Sunday, December 16, 2012
It's been a while since I posted and I haven't posted yet on the newest blessings in our lives either so I thought it was about time! In July, Jeff and I found out we were expecting again! We were so excited we could hardly contain ourselves. Getting pregnant doesn't come as easily to us as it does to so many couples out there so we were so elated that God blessed us to become parents once again. We found out we were pregnant the day before Gracie's 9 month birthday. After the initial excitement wore off a bit, the anxiety of the entire situation began to set in. The beginning weeks seemed to drag on forever until we had our 10 week appt. Two days before our first appointment I began to experience some pain in my right lower quadrant of my stomach and after we did a quick rule out of appendix at work, the excessive worrying set in. Is my body getting ready to miscarry or is it a tubal pregnancy? A person's mind really begins to run! The night before our appt. the pain was really bad at midnight and I contemplated waking my husband up to go to the ER but something made me not go. I thought I will just wait til our appt. in the morning and we'll see what Dr. Witt thinks. Dr. Witt is the man that supported us and carried us through Gracie's pregnancy and delivery and we have complete trust in him....neither of us want to see any other doctor in regards to this pregnancy. We went in for our appt. and Dr. Witt decided to do an US to rule out a tubal pregnancy or any other problem we could be having. We were both literally sick to our stomachs as we sat and waited for our US. When we went into the room Jeff sat in the chairs up against the wall....he had already prepared himself that things were going to be bad. The tech brought up the screen and said to us......"well you have two babies in your stomach." Jeff had the "shock and awe" expression upon his face for a moment and in one huge step was by the bedside with his eyes glued to the screen. We both stared at two babies in two sacks up on the screen....holy moly, who would have ever thought! As the tech focused in on both babies she said to the best of her ability she could see two complete skulls and these little babies were wiggling around on the screen right before our very eyes. When we were done and the tech handed us our pictures, my hands were shaking were so bad I could hardly take the pictures from her. We walked to the waiting room in complete disbelief....we had walked into that room believing our world was falling apart once again and the hopes of a family would once again be destroyed and we walked out with the knowledge that our family would be doubling in size! So the anxiety level was once again upped with the pregnancy being considered high risk just because there were two occupants instead of one. With the babies' older sister in heaven with God by her side we know our babies have the best of help to get here safely, but the mind is a powerful tool. No matter what you tell yourself, your mind is always playing out every scenario possible. Once you have a loved one leave you, you do get signs from them about certain situations if you pay attention. Gracie has sent us many signs along the way that are too significant to overlook. The day we found out we were pregnant we were sitting outside our house and we both looked up to the clouds at the exact same moment and carved out in the clouds was a perfect profile of our Gracie. It was not one of those cloud formations where you have to point out to the other person that there is the mouth, the nose and so forth....it was very clear and precise and we both saw it at the same exact moment. It was amazing! I told Jeff it was Gracie's way of telling us things were going to be ok and he agreed. Some time later after a long day, we were changing clothes to go to bed. Out of my pocket fell some loose change....when Jeff bent down to pick it up he stopped and told me to look at what fell on the floor. Laying together were two dimes and two pennies. Jeff had read somewhere about a year or so earlier that finding a penny and dime laying side by side is a sign of good luck.....now here laid two dimes and two pennies laying side by side. We couldn't over look that sign either. At. our 18 week appt. we had another US that we thought was just to relieve our anxiety about the babies a bit, but they did their full anatomy/morphology US. Everything looked good they told us. All their organs looked good, their heads looked good, their brain development looked good and their growth looked good. It was like someone took a 500# weight off my shoulders that I didn't even realize was on my shoulders. I felt like I could breath again! Each appt. they have assured us that things look good but once again the mind does take over and the worrying never stops. I feel like a lot of mom's who lost a baby in a previous pregnancy....that our innocense has been lost. We don't have that innocent phase of pregnancy where you feel nothing but complete and total excitement and joy. We feel those feelings but we also have a very high level of anxiety. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to be wrong. It is nice that we have each other to help us get through those times of doubt and when a particularly hard time comes along. Many of remember the exact minute of our previous pregnancies when our innocence was taken from us and those "landmark" moments in our other pregnancies are especially anxiety producing. So far we have made it through our big "landmark" moments and have arrived in one piece. My husband is a stoic man but we made a deal when we found out about Gracie's diagnosis that we would not with hold feelings from each other and to rely on one another to help us get through difficult patches and we have upheld that promise to this day. He is as nervous as I am and not a day goes by that I don't see the worry marks on his face when he watches me get ready for work and I leave his sight. When we are in each other's company, we feel the most peace....probably because we are the only two people that know exactly what we are feeling at that particular moment and most likely because we have been bonded in ways that cannot be explained. When one hears the expression that their husband is their rock...well Jeff is my rock and I am his rock. We lean on one another through the good and the bad. This pregnancy has been altogether different than my pregnancy with Gracie. My pregnancy with Gracie was physically very easy and I had very little discomfort....heck I was raking hay up until I was 42 weeks pregnant with her! This time around has been much different and mostly because of the extra hormones that come with the extra baby. I had "24 hour sickness" as I call it, because morning sickness doesn't quite cover what that was, for the first 4 1/2 months and shortly after that subsided I was measuring third trimester measurements and expereiencing a lot of back and pelvic discomfort. My pelvis is quite "loose" as they refer to it from all the extra relaxin hormone I have in my body so that has made working, sleeping, and doing every day things a bit more of a challenge. Yesterday we did our Christmas shopping which had taken it's toll on me physcially by the end of it all. When we went to bed last night I was obviously uncomfortable and beyond tired and Jeff knew that and he looked at me and said, "I know you are feeling miserable, but when we hold our babies this will all be worth it." Once again, a man of few words made a very impactful statement with just one sentence. Yes it will be worth it and I will go through any physical difficulty to keep these two babies cooking until it is safe for them to come out because that is our ultimate goal. We are currently 25 1/2 weeks pregnant with our two little girls, Anna Rose and Sarah Marie and we firmly believe God and Gracie will help get them through this pregnancy and things will work out. We have been doing all the things that we didn't get to do the first time around as parents.....put a nursery together, register for baby items, have baby showers being planned for us, buying things we want for our children such as clothes and so on. Sometimes we look at each other and think...."Are we really suppose to be doing these things?"....and then one of the twins (or both) will start up their kicking matches to remind us that this is very real indeed. As the Christmas season approaches us, we cannot help but reflect back to where we were emotionally last year and where we are at this year. It seems amazing how much things can change in a year. Our hearts still ache and yearn for our dear Gracie and they always will, but there is a sense of peace you come to with where things are at in your life. When we set our tree up we thought about the 14 month old little girl that we should be plucking away from the tree as she tries to take ornaments off the tree, but she isn't here. We wonder every single day about how she would look and how she would act if she were still here with us....and yes, it still brings tears to our eyes, but yet there is that sense of peace too. We see how having the twins upcoming arrival has given us hope in our future endeavor of having a family again. They have helped ignite our souls that were lost for a while after we lost our precious Gracie. You can bet that this Christmas that there are going to be lots of extra "thank you's" to God for our extra blessings from above from lots of different people in our family. Having and losing Gracie shaped Jeff into new people and will make us most likely very different in our parenting than if we wouldn't have had her. We know she has been along for every step of her sisters' upcoming arrival and will be there the day of their delivery as well to officially meet them. She will be a part of their lives, just as any other big sister would be, only in a very different way. Anna and Sarah will never have to wonder who their Guardian Angel is that is for sure. Their sister will be protective of them from the clouds up above and will continue to shower us with her blessings from above. God bless you all and have a very Merry Christmas.