A New Year with new dreams.....

I've been thinking about what I want to write about for quite a while on here and it seemed like after the past 5 months of journaling I had developed writers block! I could have written a lot about how we tried to cope and get through Christmas, but the words weren't adequate to describe those feelings. And now the new year is upon us and it made me start thinking about things. Jeff and I are both looking forward to 2011 coming to an end and praying for 2012 to bring us some happiness. We will never regret carrying our Gracie to term and meeting her but it was the most difficult and the most joyous thing either of us have ever done. I find myself sitting and staring at pictures of her and wondering how she would have been as a two month old baby. How would her features have changed and what would her personality be like. Last year as we started the year 2011 we had gone through all the fertility testing and were finally going to be able to take some medication to help us try and have that baby we had longed for. We really thought this would be the toughest part of our year and after we found out we were pregnant we really did think the hard part was over....well the rest is history on that topic. In the past as the new year would roll around I would think about all the things I was going to change and like most never really followed through on them as most were rather petty when I look at things now. You don't go through the loss of a child and come out the other side the same person. I have discarded petty behavior and petty items in life, as they are just not something I want to waste my time on and I just don't tolerate a lot it in my life anymore. Things have more meaning to me now....so when I look at the new year rolling around and start thinking about what the year will bring my husband and I, it's not the same old small things I used to think of.....like losing weight (I'm just going to be a girl with meat on my bones and that's all there is to it) or going on a trip or anything of that nature. I want some peace in my life along with some happiness and the feeling of contentment. I want my soul to be able to heal. I think sometimes life can sweep us along and we can lose touch with our faith a bit. I have never been far from my faith but I have learned to rely on it much more heavily after what we have gone through. On Christmas Eve, Jeff and I went to mass in Napoleon at my home parish. It was what I was terrified to do as I knew there would be lots and lots of babies there with the holiday. I didn't do as badly as I was anticipating and at one point in the mass I prayed to Gracie to give us a sign she was with her mommy and daddy at church. The minute I asked this of our little girl, Jeff jerked his arm that was touching mine and I looked over and he had large goose bumps on his arm and he said he has gotten this tingling sensation up his arm that went down his spine. This happened to him two more times afterwards. During the closing song it happened to me. I do not feel that this was a coincidence by any means....I know this was Gracie giving us the sign we had longed for. What a special Christmas gift our daughter gave us. Our faith in God is what has carried us through this year and it is what we are carrying into the new year with us. We pray for a much less stressful new year than the year we are leaving behind and we pray for some much wanted happiness in our lives. We both feel very fortunate that we came through this life changing event a stronger, more loving, and more faith driven couple than when we entered it. We plan to enter the New Year as a joined force and we continue to muddle our way through this journey together. No one told us marriage was going to be easy. I used to ask my 90 year old patients in the hospital what is the key to marriage and after the good old joke cracked by the husband of, "Keep your wife happy" they would all tell me the same thing...."love." They all told me to love your spouse unconditionally and I do and he loves me back. We are fighters....not quitters. We are hoping 2012 is kind to us and blesses us with the family we long for. We are hoping with our beautiful angel up in heaven to help us out that this time around will not be as difficult. We feel blessed to have had our daughter and no matter how difficult it was to lose her, we will never regret our decisions we made in the year 2011. So with this new year, comes new dreams.

Time....

Time is something that something that tends to pass by extremely fast or it can drag on depending on the situation. I don't know about many of you, but I get those periods in my life that seem like they happened a long time ago but at the same time you can recall everything like it was yesterday. Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since Gracie was born.....that seems so hard to believe. I can recall every minute of the day and I can recall every feature of my daughter's face and body like I was just holding her a minute ago. At the same time it feels like my daughter has been gone for so long and yet my heart still hurts so badly. My mom said to me exactly what I had been thinking the other day....it's almost like Gracie was a dream and at times we have to wonder if everything that took place really happened. All around our house we have reminders of our daughter...from pictures (many), her ornaments on the Christmas tree, her memory chests, and gifts we have received in her memory. There are so many things going on right now that my  mind is having a hard time dealing with and processing everything. I go back to work next week Monday for the first time in two months. I've been at my job for a little over two years and there is very little I don't have a grasp on at the clinic, but yet I find myself very anxious and almost panic like about going back to work. I love my job and I love my co-workers ( I am one of the lucky ones that has great co-workers that are my friends as well), so why would I be so terrified of going back? I have asked myself this over and over and over and I don't have an answer. I think I am more scared of re-entering the world of reality....like I am suppose to be "normal" again and move on. I can't wrap my mind around trying to move on without my daughter. I will never "be over" losing my daughter.... I want to talk about her and remember her with people. She is the love of our lives and we don't get to share our lives with her. She is gone from our site....I know she is still with us in spirit. It is not a coincidence that on some of my more challenging days that I will talk to her and ask her to help us get through some challenging task or difficult emotions and things tend to turn around rather quickly. It is comforting to know my little princess is with our Lord, but still remains very difficult to live with daily. I know you have all heard the saying from people that parents shouldn't have to bury their children....well it is true. The hurt is  unimaginable until one has to go through it....it is a hurt on a whole different level. Also in the next week is Christmas and that is so hard for us to imagine without our daughter. I have had nightmares of going to Christmas mass and seeing all the little babies and the little girls dressed in their Christmas dresses and me running out of church crying. Some people may think that it's been 8 weeks and we should be doing better, but the reality of the situation is that we are not doing better. It's almost like everyday makes us miss our baby girl even more. So trying to return to what was my "old normal" life of going to work and celebrating some of my favorite holidays is so hard for my "new brain" to try and wrap itself around. It really is like we are having had to relearn how to be alive and how to be part of society. It has been easy for me to be protected at home out in the country... away from people, but come Monday morning it's like my protection will be gone. I feel like an egg with a crack in it already and it just won't take much for my shell to completly shatter. I know I need to go back to work....my husband told me I need to go back to work....as I think a routine will be good for me again. And once I get my feet wet, working with the public will be good too. Most of my patients are like an extended family to me and they care about us...that is always so comforting. So as my time off from work is coming to a close I can say that when I walk back into work Monday morning I will be a completly different person than the day I walked out there. I am now trying to learn the "new me" and trying to figure out what exactly is normal again. Time has a new meaning to both Jeff and I....we cherish our time together on a whole new level. We don't take time for granted anymore. He has told me how I need to return to the work world, but how much he is going to miss our time at home as well. Gracie has taught us not to take our days together for granted as you never know when those days will be over. We remember Gracie every hour of every day and everything she taught us in her 15 hours of life. Time....what a precious thing.