Time....

Time is something that something that tends to pass by extremely fast or it can drag on depending on the situation. I don't know about many of you, but I get those periods in my life that seem like they happened a long time ago but at the same time you can recall everything like it was yesterday. Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since Gracie was born.....that seems so hard to believe. I can recall every minute of the day and I can recall every feature of my daughter's face and body like I was just holding her a minute ago. At the same time it feels like my daughter has been gone for so long and yet my heart still hurts so badly. My mom said to me exactly what I had been thinking the other day....it's almost like Gracie was a dream and at times we have to wonder if everything that took place really happened. All around our house we have reminders of our daughter...from pictures (many), her ornaments on the Christmas tree, her memory chests, and gifts we have received in her memory. There are so many things going on right now that my  mind is having a hard time dealing with and processing everything. I go back to work next week Monday for the first time in two months. I've been at my job for a little over two years and there is very little I don't have a grasp on at the clinic, but yet I find myself very anxious and almost panic like about going back to work. I love my job and I love my co-workers ( I am one of the lucky ones that has great co-workers that are my friends as well), so why would I be so terrified of going back? I have asked myself this over and over and over and I don't have an answer. I think I am more scared of re-entering the world of reality....like I am suppose to be "normal" again and move on. I can't wrap my mind around trying to move on without my daughter. I will never "be over" losing my daughter.... I want to talk about her and remember her with people. She is the love of our lives and we don't get to share our lives with her. She is gone from our site....I know she is still with us in spirit. It is not a coincidence that on some of my more challenging days that I will talk to her and ask her to help us get through some challenging task or difficult emotions and things tend to turn around rather quickly. It is comforting to know my little princess is with our Lord, but still remains very difficult to live with daily. I know you have all heard the saying from people that parents shouldn't have to bury their children....well it is true. The hurt is  unimaginable until one has to go through it....it is a hurt on a whole different level. Also in the next week is Christmas and that is so hard for us to imagine without our daughter. I have had nightmares of going to Christmas mass and seeing all the little babies and the little girls dressed in their Christmas dresses and me running out of church crying. Some people may think that it's been 8 weeks and we should be doing better, but the reality of the situation is that we are not doing better. It's almost like everyday makes us miss our baby girl even more. So trying to return to what was my "old normal" life of going to work and celebrating some of my favorite holidays is so hard for my "new brain" to try and wrap itself around. It really is like we are having had to relearn how to be alive and how to be part of society. It has been easy for me to be protected at home out in the country... away from people, but come Monday morning it's like my protection will be gone. I feel like an egg with a crack in it already and it just won't take much for my shell to completly shatter. I know I need to go back to work....my husband told me I need to go back to work....as I think a routine will be good for me again. And once I get my feet wet, working with the public will be good too. Most of my patients are like an extended family to me and they care about us...that is always so comforting. So as my time off from work is coming to a close I can say that when I walk back into work Monday morning I will be a completly different person than the day I walked out there. I am now trying to learn the "new me" and trying to figure out what exactly is normal again. Time has a new meaning to both Jeff and I....we cherish our time together on a whole new level. We don't take time for granted anymore. He has told me how I need to return to the work world, but how much he is going to miss our time at home as well. Gracie has taught us not to take our days together for granted as you never know when those days will be over. We remember Gracie every hour of every day and everything she taught us in her 15 hours of life. Time....what a precious thing.