Coming out of the dark.....

Well it has been a very very long time since I have blogged......right before Mother's Day was actually my last blog entry. It isn't because I haven't had a lot on my mind or I am grieving less or thinking of Gracie less...I think I honestly needed some time to work through the "grief fog" people in the baby loss world talk about. The business of the farm life and working through my thoughts and emotions definatly helped me come out of the fog so to speak. It was around month 9 that I finally felt like I was looking at life through clear lenses again. After a year and half of waking around in a "fog" I almost didn't recognize myself. It kind of like when a new calf stands up for the first time and they have wobbly legs. Some days my legs still wobble, but I feel like I am getting my feet back on the ground again. I feel like I do still have a purpose here on this Earth after many months of feeling like I didn't. I am still Gracie's mommy and I always will be. When I think of my little girl or look at her pictures or visit her grave, the tears do not immediatly spring to my eyes as they once did. But a smile tends to creep across my lips as I remember her first smile, her first yawn, her first bottle feeding, her first diaper change, her first bath, getting to hold her the first time, seeing the enormous smile that crossed my husbands face when he looked at his daughter, and the memories continue. I remember all the people that came to see her and were forever touched by this little girl when they locked eyes with her. I remember the impact of my speeches at the Universities in Bismarck and how they impacted the students. I received cards from them and an email from their instructors with many of the students comments. I remember the NICU nurses big smiles when I deliver the Everlasting Grace blankets to the unit and how my little girl's story continues to touch people. When people talk about Gracie and not avoid her in conversation it makes Jeff and I feel good that people remember her and that she did touch their lives....we especially love to hear how she changed a lot of people's lives. There are days that tear still find me but they are not as often.....it's not that I'm not still sad because I am. The loss of a child leaves a hole in your heart that is palpable. Something that will be there forever......but at some point you are able integrate that part of your life with mainstream life. Everyday life sure does not stop when you world has and in the beginning months you feel as if you are being swallowed up by the world. You feel lost.....like you don't know your identity anymore. In my case I almost feel like I had to create a new identity because I sure was not the same person I was before this whole process started. This new person is someone I am still getting to know, but I tend to like her. She's definatly matured and wisened up in life, but there are hints of the old Missy in there yet too. My sarcastic wit has returned along with my fiesty attitude....but I will saw there is a very large soft spot in the middle of all the toughness. When I look at a baby or hold my friend's babies, there is a spot in my heart that is very different than it used to be. Babies always melted my heart and have always been a natural with them, but there is a very different feeling there now. It's not really a feeling you can describe though or put into words. When I held my friend's little boy the other morning before I went to work and he gave me all his "hammy smiles" the pain that used to be there right after losing Gracie is now replaced by such a feeling of love. Everyone's children are their most precious gifts from God. They are what make them get out of bed in the morning and smile. I don't get to tangibly get to interact with our Gracie but things do happen that I know are not coincidences around here. I know her spirit is here with us....helping us try to return to life as we know it. Those moments we get with her in spirit, when we knowingly know she is amongst us are the most precious. They are what get us through the day. She has made things very clear to us in the past couple of months that she wants us happy and wants us to have joy in our lives. I don't think any child wants to see their parent unhappy whether they are in heaven or on Earth. She has made special efforts to maker her Mommy and Daddy happy again and are helping us come out of the dark.