Life two years later.....

Today marks one of the most significant events in my life....the birth of my first born child. This is a day that typically changes you for life...most people's lives become a sleep deprived blur of changing diapers, feedings, burping and rocking a little one. Well our lives changed that day in a very big way but we came home to an empty house...this is the life of losing a child. While we should have been up all night with a baby, we were up all night unable to sleep as the thoughts of your baby that was suppose to come home with you and didn't run through your mind. Their birth and every second of their life runs through your brain constantly as you fear you are going to forget everything. When we should have been up feeding and changing our little one, we laid in bed listening to silence. Instead of planning their baptism we planned their funeral. Although it's been two years the hurt in our hearts in the same...we've just learned to live around those aching feelings. We were blessed with two little sisters for Gracie this past March and watching the girls grow and do things I think has made the ache in our hearts better and worse. The girls are a source of love and joy for us and they have made us laugh and smile  like we didn't know we could again. On the other hand as they go through each stage of growing I find myself feeling like I got jipped out things with Gracie. I constantly wonder what she would be like, what she would look like, and all the things she would be doing as a two year old. I am human when I say I feel jipped on missing out of all of these things and much more and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know she's where she has no pain and is in heaven...what a perfect place to be able to spend out eternity! Why as a mother would I wish her to be anywhere but there...because I am a mother with a hole in her heart. That hole hasn't shrunk in the past two years and it hasn't healed....it still hurts constantly. Now some may think, "Well she hasn't dealt with her daughter's death very well." I have dealt with it and have accepted it....but I'm still human. As humans we don't want to hurt....why would we? I want the same joy that most everyone else has...to see my little girl grow up before my eyes. Now of course then I think to myself...if Gracie had lived would the twins be here? That just adds a whole new dynamic to the circle of tangled feelings. That is why I took to the computer and my blog tonight....I had to do what brings me comfort and what I've done in the past. Put my thoughts and feelings out in words....it just seems to make more sense to me this way. There are no easy answers in the world of losing a child and I don't think there ever will be. It's a hurt unlike any other in the world. Today as we stood by Gracie's grave with balloons to release and to sing happy birthday to her, I kept looking at her name on the head stone and thinking to myself, "My baby is really in the ground." Even two years later the thought of her being gone is hard. As a mom you will go to great lengths to protect your child and I couldn't protect Gracie from her fate...all I could do was make sure she was loved and I did...and I continue to do so. I had to search and find a purpose to this insanity and I did....unconditional love. I actively pursued spreading Gracie's story and our experience in an area that is dear to me...nursing. This year was my second year talking at two university's and their junior nursing students. Some ask why I do it and to me it is part of healing my hurt. It soothes that ache in my heart a bit and that is why. Anyone that knows me, knows I HATE public speaking which I find ironic and know my little angel is behind all of this and probably getting a good kick out of me doing something that I am terrified to do. I do it for her....and her lasting legacy. It helps me make sense of what has all happened and find purpose in life again. I would like to expand on my talks and may look at contacting some other universities in the future. I feel there is a need to continue what I am doing. I will keep Gracie's memory fresh and keep her mission from God going as long as I'm able to. She may have been alive only 15 hours but was able to accomplish more in 15 hours than most do in an entire lifetime. I think healing from losing someone that special is something you work on for a lifetime as well. So two years later, I feel we are doing pretty good considering the rollercoaster ride we have been on. Lots of ups and downs and Gracie has been there every single step of the way. We want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for us over the past 2 plus years and who continue to remember our daughter and keep her memory alive. God bless.