Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15th has been designated as Infant Loss Awareness Day in our country.....October 20, 2011 is our Gracie's birthday. Gracie was born at 8:35am by C-section nearly 6 years ago. There were so many unknowns about that day.....Did we do the right thing? Was she going to be alive? Would I get out of the OR in time to see her and hold her while her heart was beating? Was she going to be able to be baptized? What was my reaction going to be to my first born child that was not going to be born with her skull and only parts of her brain? All those questions were answered that morning of October 20th at St. Alexius hospital in Bismarck, ND when Dr. Witt delivered our daughter. My fear for so many months would be my first reaction to her birth defect. What I first noticed on my daughter where these big hands that had to belong to her father. I noticed her defect, but it was not significant enough to be my first memory....because mother's love their children unconditionally. Unconditional love became the theme of our pregnancy with Gracie after we found out her diagnosis and we knew there was nothing we could do to "cure her" or "make things better." We decided to love her even though we knew in the end she would be taken from us. We already loved her so it did made this a natural decision. Deciding to terminate our pregnancy early would not have spared my spouse or I any pain. Instead we took this time to embrace our time with our daughter. We didn't have years to make memories once she was born, so we embraced the time we had with her before she was born and the hours after she born. Most people reading this blog know Gracie's birth and life story and I'm not going to go into details, but while Gracie was still inside of me she helped her Daddy farm. That farm year we hauled anhydrous, raked hay, rode in the combine, drove in her Dad's semi, worked cattle, went for four wheeler rides and everything else that makes up a "farm year." I was raking hay when I was 40 weeks pregnant trying to get her to come out on her own....that didn't happen obviously after reading the intro to this blog. You see, Gracie did things her way and for a great reason. Everything that happened during her pregnancy was on her timeline. She was in charge of her life and her story. We as parents allowed Gracie to tell her story as she wanted to. After Gracie's birth and death, I tried to make sense of this tragedy. I was a nurse....I made everyone else better and I couldn't help my daughter. It was a horrible and helpless feeling. Somewhere along that bumpy road it came to me that I needed to educate future nurses. I contacted the two nursing colleges in Bismarck with my idea of presenting Gracie's story to their class and both colleges embraced my idea. You see, there are some lessons in nursing you simply cannot learn from a text book. Gracie will be 6 this week and this also starts my 6th year of doing my Everlasting Grace presentations to the nursing classes. I was recently asked to present at the State Convention for the Nursing Student Association of ND......this is so much bigger than I had ever planned for things to become and I am so proud of our daughter for guiding me through these past 6 years. I am not a public speaker....and in fact it has been one of my biggest fears, but somehow she guides me through every single presentation and I know she will guide me through this upcoming presentation. I don't have a set speech when I do my talks....I let Gracie tell her story. Every single time she has left an impact. One of the colleges has started to give me the evaluation form at the end of the presentation so I can read what the students say....Anne...thank you for this as it shows my husband why I continue to do my talks. I have healed so much from sharing Gracie's story and seeing others take away from my presentation a gift they can use in their nursing career. It makes my heart feel a bit more complete every single time I impact a new class of nurses.
At 7pm this evening, please light a candle in memory of all babies taken from this Earth before their parents' hearts were ready and put it in on Facebook. It is known as the Wave of Light on Facebook and it to draw attention and awareness to Infant Loss. Help us baby loss mommas continue to squash out the taboo of talking about an uncomfortable topic. We live it daily and want it be known that our children's lives mattered no matter how long or how short.

5 years in.....

This Thursday, October, 20th at 8:35am it will be 5 years since our beloved daughter, Gracie was born. The old saying is, "Time heals all wounds," right? Well maybe.....I can say there isn't a day that goes by where she isn't in my thoughts. I don't cry like I used to, but my heart still has the same palpable hole in it. In fact I hadn't cried in a very long time (honestly cannot remember)...until last evening. It has been a chaotic farm year to say the least around here and I had just completed a vendor show Saturday afternoon and was driving home. For whatever reason, the gravity of everything hit me all at once. I found myself sobbing and driving which is not the best combination of course. Five years....how in the world has five years passed since we last held our daughter???? A lot has obviously happened in the last five years, mainly her twin sisters arriving 3 1/2 years ago, which has been life altering to say the least. No matter how insane our lives become, my mind finds time to drift back to our first born. My eyes find her pictures on the wall and mantle. My eyes find the keepsakes scattered throughout the house. In our room we have a beautiful canvas with her hand and foot prints on it with the bible verse,: I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a beautiful framed piece of art a friend made of her toes with butterflies around it that hangs above my husband's desk. There are memories that surround me everywhere....even the car. Jeff's sister had a vinyl decal made for the side of the car in memory our daughter. I don't get in our car too often without looking at it as well. I do many things to keep Gracie's memory alive for many reasons....I don't want her to become a distant memory to people around me, which is my biggest fear. I continue to do my talks at two local colleges about our experience in having our daughter and I also continue to do our blanket and hat project for the NICU at St. Alexius hospital. These two projects keep Gracie's memory front and center and that as a mom is all I can do for her. She will always be my first born and my first experience at being a mom. It wasn't your typical "mom" experience by any means but it was a very significant and special mothering experience. She change my husband and I in ways that no other child would have ever changed us. We grieve her every day...in our own way. Some days are more significant than others....like yesterday was for me. Jeff came in shortly after my "sob fest" and looked at me and asked if I had been crying and I replied, "yes," He then said, "about Gracie?" I replied, "yes." He was silent....this is how he responds typically. We grieve very differently and I've grown to accept that completely. He said to me, "Five years....wow." Now, my husband is a man of few words, so these words are quite profound because for all that I typed, he summed up into one very short sentence. To top things off, our 7 year wedding anniversary is this week. Since Gracie's birth/death it has changed our anniversary as the days are 3 days apart. We've gone out to eat and "celebrated" our marriage but it's not the same. I think we both travel back to 2011 and what we were doing leading up to Gracie's birthday. I knew there would be certain "milestone" years that would be difficult and this is one of them. Gracie should be in the very first preschool class in McClusky. I helped a friend with getting things started for a preschool in town and so it is extra bittersweet as I'm so very excited they have their first class, but there should be an extra chair in their desk area. I wonder often what her personality would be like since her twin sisters have polar opposite personalities. Would she have more of Anna's personality (God help us all) or be more like Sarah? Would she have brown hair and eyes like her mom, since she looked like me? What would her giggle sound like? Would she have liked Anna or Elsa more? (this is an important debate among toddlers these days) The list could go on and on and one could play the "what if" game over and over and it would get you no where but really crazy after awhile. Most of us infant loss parents adapt and learn to live a "new normal" so we can cope with the world around us. We are forever changed. We lose some friends because they don't get the "new us" and we gain new friends from the baby loss community who tend to get the "new us" because quite frankly they are in the same boat as we are. Most folks think when you have your rainbow baby(s) it should "fix" us and we shouldn't hurt anymore. While they do help us learn to live again, by no means can anyone or anything fill the void of a lost child. Quite frankly if you haven't gone through this loss it is hard to comprehend and that is ok....we do not wish this pain on anyone.
Every year that passes, the surreal feeling of the situation does not lessen. There are some years or milestones that are more profound than others and it seems that year five has brought a whole new set of emotions with it. It's hard to put my finger on what exactly is so profound about this year but I think it's because she should be in preschool and writing her name and learning all sorts of wonderful things. Her art work should join her sisters on our fridge and it's not. There is just so much that hit me last evening when I finally broke down and sobbed my heart out. So much emptiness and so much hurt and ache.....just a vast space in my heart that is so unbearable. This year will be the first time Gracie's birthday falls on one of my work days which is very difficult....maybe in a way it won't be a bad thing as I will be busy with the clinic coming to see many of my residents. I guess we will see in a few days how it all goes.
To commemorate Gracie's 5th year I encourage you all to remember her and our family in your thoughts and prayers that day. Do something special with your family/children and be grateful for the life you have been given with them. We are not guaranteed any amount of time with our children. We are not guaranteed to see them grow up, graduated school, get married, etc. Those are all privileges that many take for granted, so please take a moment to acknowledge the blessings you have been given in your lives. Five years have flown by way to quickly for us, but as they say, the world doesn't stop for us. We must keep going and keep living for those we have left in our lives.

Mom-shaming.....,

It's been far too long since I've blogged and the one topic that keeps creeping up on my mind and nagging at me to be let out is Mom-shaming. Those not familiar with this term; Making a mom feel like crap for any reason you can imagine. It really should be an Olympic sporting event for how popular it is in this day and age. Frankly, no matter what you are doing....you are doing it wrong and by all means your children are going to suffer for your costly mistakes. Some examples of my personal Mom-shaming experiences shall follow.....

1. Breastfeeding. When I was pregnant with the twins I was going to be a die hard breast feeder/pumper come hell or high water. In the last trimester of my "delightful" pregnancy it was discovered my iron supply was low...well no, it was nearly completely depleted as my girls had literally sucked the life out of me. Oral iron tablets were not a friend of my stomach so I was to start Venofer (IV iron) infusions weekly that would last through my pregnancy and for a month after the girls arrived. I started out breastfeeding in the hospital but frankly my children were born starving and the whole theory that they can survive on the little bits of colostrum that you produce apparently bypassed my children, so I went home to pump and supplement as needed. Since you can imagine the pure chaos that twins brought to our lives I didn't get to completing my Venofer infusions until they were 3 weeks old......yup, hematologist (blood doctor) didn't think about the Venofer passing into my breast milk and frankly I was just happy if I could stay awake to do the 23 mile drive to Turtle Lake to the hospital and back, so I did not think of it either. The gut issues began in the girls from the "iron bomb" as I refer to it as hit their systems. Horrible tummy aches that resulted in two little babies to be beyond miserable. Well after a week of hell, it dawned on me and I was so tired I looked at the breast pump and told it good bye forever and started to feed my girls formula....yes, I am a monster! So this is topic #1 that seems to be in the Mom-shamers  world. Frankly if you can breastfeed then good for you, but don't chap other mom's butts that cannot or could not do it for various reasons. Why assume you know some one's story and jump on the shaming wagon? Why throw every breastfeeding fact and photo in other's faces? If it works for you great.....leave the rest of us alone. I support breastfeeding 100%, but it's not always a feasible option for everyone.

2. Sleeping through the night. Oh yes...hot topic #2! So God bless everyone that was given children that sleep through the night....it's not that easy for every mom and it's not because of anything we did or did not do. I was blessed with one very crappy sleeper and one that was just a few hairs less crappy. So my girls didn't sleep through the night until they were 2 1/2...yup...that was a blur of 2 1/2 sleepless years, but I'm still alive to tell about it. The "Cry It Out" (CIO) method is highly debatable in the Mom-shaming world....really it either works for your home or it doesn't. Why can't it be left as simple as that? If your kids don't sleep the users of CIO throw it in your face (yes, this did happen to me). Those that don't use CIO tell the parents they are cruel....what? We didn't use CIO and that was our choice as it wasn't a fit for our family. Yup...I was awake a LOT and I did whine about it, but that is life. Some people have children that are born sleeping through the night (you all know them) and I had one of those moms say to me when my girls were 18 months, "So what do they want when they get up?" Let me tell you this much......self restraint of my mouth was pretty high that night. Why we all can't just do what we want is beyond me but this is definitely hot topic #2 in the Mom shaming world as we know it.

3. Picky eaters. I have one twin who is by far WAY more selective in what she eats then the other. Why? Can anyone tell me this one? They are twins! They grew up eating the SAME exact food! Once the fabulous age of two rolled around, everything went crazy in the food department. Every meal has been a battle since. It was to the point that when the very picky eater decided she would actually eat a hot dog, it had to be brown....the other would only eat red. Oh yes! And yes...my kids eat hot dogs....and they eat chicken nuggets! This is a whole new topic right here. Some folks only eat a "clean" diet...good for them. Once again...why can't people just do their own thing. I have read some very ridiculous comments about how horrible of a parent you are for feeding your kids...um, what's a good term, "unclean???" food. So nope, not even feeding your kids can be done correctly in the mom shaming world. This does go back and forth by the way...parents that let their kids eat "unclean??" will badger parents that feed a "clean" diet too. Neither side is safe, so should we just not feed them or what?

4. Pacifiers and when it's "right" to take them away. My kids turned 3 in March and they still use their beloved "nuks" at nap/bedtime. One of my twins is an anxious child....like a very anxious child that will worry about every single thing possible in life and she uses her nuk as an outlet for her anxiety. Yup, I've heard the whispers in church when she gets overwhelmed and turns to her nuk, "Do you see that, she still uses a pacifier." Oh yes....once again judging without knowing the story isn't it great...better yet, judging one another in church. HA! So here's the deal, until she finds a way to cope with her anxiety (yes, we are working on this) the pediatrician told me not to even think of taking it away. The pediatric dentist and dental assistant said it's not even a little bit of a worry as her teeth are fine. So if one wants to not use a nuk, take it away at a year, two years, or beyond, why is this such a huge ordeal for the world? So yes, I've heard the whispers and notice "the look" when we go somewhere and she gets overwhelmed and she turns to her nuk for comfort.

5. Discipline. This should have probably been up higher on my list as no matter what you do it isn't right whatsoever. Whether you scold, yell, spank, do time outs, take away privileges, or whatever you can possible insert here, us as parents are doing it all wrong. Apparently after how many decades of spanking being used for discipline, now we are going to damage our child. We spank at our house...rarely is it needed, but on special occasions it is warranted and utilized. I don't feel a paddle on the butt is child abuse or psychologically damaging....but that is our household's view. It's not as if we have a paddle or belt hanging on the wall or in view as a threat. Most days all you have to do is mention if they need one and they are done with misbehaving. Do what works for your house and we will worry about ours. Of course it's not quite that easy, as others feel the need to place their shame on you whenever they possibly can.

So where did this all come from? Why all the judgment? I could keep listing all kinds of topics but I feel these are more the suffice to get my point across. Why can't parents support each other and lift each other up when a fellow parent is in a rough spot? Why is it that the first thing someone feels they should offer is, "Well if you think it's bad now, wait until they are teenagers!" Every parent has low points and instead of pushing them further into that hole, why not lift them up? Why not say, I totally understand where you are coming from and if you have some helpful advice then great...offer it as support. The "I told you so" or "it could be worse" or "boy they are making you eat your words" are all very un-necessary. My children have made me eat every single word I ever had said or even remotely thought of over the years. It's ok...I love them and I will continue to eat my words for years to come. I don't have the "perfect children" as some feel they have, but they are my children and I love them....even if they make me crazy on a daily basis. We do the best that we can, with whatever abilities we possess. Some days are better then others....there are lots of days I've cried after my girls have gone to sleep after a particularly challenging day. I pray for the strength to help me be better tomorrow. Parenting is hard....harder then anyone can imagine before actually becoming a parent. It's the toughest job I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. So if you have the opportunity to lift up a struggling parent, then do it...don't tear them down. Be there for each other and help one another get over those hills....some of those hills are bigger then others.

4 years of "what if's"

So I had a little girl 4 year ago........   Some people think I should stop thinking about her....obsessing about her.....talking about her......BUT I will not. She was real! She was so very real...I have the memories and pictures to prove she existed! She was real.....some days I have to look at pictures to make sure it all happened. Logically I know she existed...but there are days I wonder..did this all really happen to me? This stuff happens to everyone else. This stuff isn't suppose to happen to ME! But is did....so here I am trying to be a voice for my daughter and every other baby that joined our Lord sooner than our hearts wanted. People don't realize how big the baby loss community truly is, until you become part of it. I have sisters...real sisters that are bonded to me in ways that no other human being can be bonded to my soul...we share a loss that no one wants to talk about....our babies. Our goal in life is break the silence. Oct. 15th is National Baby Loss Rememberance Day. Ronald Reagan declared this a national holiday way back when...way back when I oblivious to life and all the "stuff" that can occur. I was young and innocent....oh, how I wish for those days back. Our daughter Gracie was born 3 days after our anniversary. When it fell that way on the calendar I thought...well our anniversary is going to be shot for the rest of our lives and it definitely does but a damper on things, but somehow we always make our day significant. Do I feel that Gracie's birthday is only 5 days from National Rememberance Day? Nope....this little girl carries a message....a very loud and clear message. A message I will talk about to my very last breath. Life matters! No matter how little or how long it with us...it matters. God sent us Gracie as our first born for lots of reasons, but the first and foremost of these reasons is to show us and many others how precious life is. None of us are guaranteed a long life....we just know for this moment we are here and that is all we know. That's the thing....we all think we are going to be here until we grow old and gray....well I might look older than our wedding pictures from 6 years ago and I definitely am more gray, but that's not the picture we have in our heads. We all think we will be in our 80-90's if not older but we don't know that. Gracie was with us for 15 hours....15 hours that stand still in my mind. Some days I feel like I'm forgetting but then I stop and think to myself...I can recall everything about every single minute of her life. From the minute they showed me her from behind the blue C-section curtain to her last breath...it's all categorized in my brain. She was real.....she existed....she breathed....she had a heartbeat.....she was ours.
I'm not exactly sure why year 4 is tough, but being I have two nephews that are the same age could be why....the fact that she should be in preschool may be why. I might just be selfish for a moment and say...why can't my baby girl be doing these things? I look at how much Gracie's 2 1/2 year old sisters know and the things they say and do and I can't help but wonder to myself...I wonder what Gracie would be like? What would she be learning? I'm only human....I'm only a mom.....I want my baby just like everyone else has. When you find those baby loss mommies that you really bond with....ones that you share your heart with, you cannot help but become close to them. It's hard to find someone that understands your frame of mind. For some...they were there for you during pregnancy and the funeral process but their lives move on and in a sense ours does to, but in a very weird way....a way that no one can describe. So I am very thankful for my baby loss mommas and their support and love. It's hard to be alone on this journey.

So people tell you....life goes on. Well yes it does....but not without a lot a big bumps in our roads. When certain events occur, milestones are achieved, it is hard for us to move on. People might think after so many years that it gets "easier." Well it doesn't get easier. Our minds our wired different than others. We think on a completely different wave length than others. Our minds always go to the worst possible scenario. Our girls are 2 1/2 and Jeff and I are still paranoid something is going to happen to them. You don't want to hover...but good grief it's hard to relax. All I can think to myself is how would you live with yourself if you were the cause of another loss of a child? It's real....it's a struggle. It a real struggle to enjoy your surviving children. I step back often to try and regain perspective daily so I don't smother them. Would I like to put them in a bubble and protect them? Heck ya! Is that fair or realistic to them......no. So the struggle is real....it is every day. We live on a active, working farm so the struggle for my husband is even more of an issue. He has nightmares of running the kids over with equipment. The other day he drove out of the yard in his pick up and he stopped half way down the drive way convinced he was dragging Sarah under the pickup since that girl has no fear of things. The struggle in our minds is so very real and up front, every single day. Do I hate the way our minds work....heck ya...makes it hard to enjoy our two girls....the reality is, this is how our brains work. We try....we really do try our hardest to be "normal." Our "normal" is so vastly different from everyone else's but we try. We talk about Gracie to Anna and Sarah daily. We have picture in their room. They know it's their sister in heaven's birthday tomorrow. They know we are going to have cupcakes and balloons to celebrate. They know their sister existed....and they will always know that as long as Jeff and I can breath.



2 Years of Rainbow Love.....

I really need to get some time to write more often! It's have been since October since I blogged last and it is always so therapeutic for myself to write my thoughts down! There are two very good and fun reasons I never have time for "me" anymore....and they just turned TWO!  In the past (before I had kids) I always thought that when they turned one that would be a hard moment for me. Well I think I was still in that first year "twin blur" that occurs when you have two babies and are extremely sleep deprived (because one of those twins is a CRAPPY sleeper...she shall remained unnamed at this time). So about three weeks ago I was looking at the calendar and I thought to myself....holy crap, my babies turn two in three weeks! How in the world is that even possible?! So I gathered my disorganized self together to get a birthday party assembled. In today's day and age, I will agree that birthday parties have become a little over the top and I haven't at this point given in to the pressure, but what I have aimed for is a family oriented, fun party with decorations that will mean something to my kids. No froo-froo decorations....just good old store bought Disney fun. I'm not dissing the mom's that go all out...I just don't have the time and energy for it. God bless those that do! I should hire you maybe! :) One of my childhood memories I have is that my folks (especially my mom) did everything they could to make you feel extra special on our birthday. Mom decorated (which she is not a huge fan of, but she did it for us) and made us our favorite meal. When we were little she had our closest family and friends invited to our party. As a kid, your birthday is as big as Christmas...come on you all remember that feeling don't you? You are the center of attention ALL day and for once it's about you (maybe that's the whole middle child syndrome talking there?! HA!). Well for two weeks we talked about the girls' party to try and get them to understand a little bit of it and all they grasped from our conversations is a very important aspect of a birthday party.....there was to be CAKE! Holy moly and you would think the whole day revolved around this cake...well maybe it does, right? The best party of meal is dessert...I guess two year olds figure that stuff out early. As the days counted down our slide show on the computer flashes pics up from the day they were born all the way to the present and this mommy got sad. Where in the world did the past two years go? By ALL means I do not have those fuzzy memories of the newborn stage....in fact I think my kids gave me post traumatic stress disorder for that phase of childhood. Oh my...there's honestly not even words to describe those days. My mom and I stumbled around into each other in a blur of sleep. I would have an hour between feedings because I was trying to be super mom and pump and have to make bottles. We had just started calving on the farm and Jeff was trying to get things ready to get into the field......it was pure chaos. At a family gathering last fall, one of my sister in law's baby was fussing and just not happy and I just had to walk away....I just had horrible memories of those days. The guilt of trying to split myself in two so I could "love" both of my babies equally so no one needed excessive therapy when they grew up, was just horrible. Combine the guilt feelings with postpartum depression and hormones fluctuating all over the place....oh that was an ugly time. I'm very grateful that my mom was retired and was able to stay and help like she did. To top it all off....my kids were not those beautiful, peaceful sleeping babies....they were both crappy sleepers from the start! Sarah has finally figured out the whole sleeping thing since she got tubes in her ears last December, but Anna....I think she will be waking me up until she moves out at 18. I've just learned to sleep anywhere over the years (and most of the time it is not in our bed!). We spend parts of our nights in the recliner...even with tubes in her ears, she still has a hard time with teething. Would I change anything.....heck no! I love those two little stinkers more than I ever thought my heart was capable of loving anything. They are at a very fun stage right now. They love to be outside and feed the cows and play with their toys. They are learning so much right now too....just little sponges which is really a fun time! They come home from daycare and I swear they know a million more things then when I dropped them off that morning! We are so entirely grateful that the Lord decided to give us not one but two little girls after having Gracie. These little girls taught us how to live again....we hadn't even realized that we had stopped living after burying our dear Gracie. A piece of our hearts will be forever missing since Gracie went to live with our Lord, but the emptiness that filled our souls was filled once again with love....more love then I think we ever had thought we would experience again. They made us smile and laugh once again....we were once again alive. When you bury your child you basically die with them. To find a purpose to be in this life again is very hard. The pain is so intense your heart actually physically hurts. That pain remains with you, and somehow you learn how to cope with it on a daily basis. I can honestly say that when we found out we were pregnant 9 months after having Gracie, it filled us with a sense of hope. A hope for having children that God will allow us to keep here on Earth with us...to raise and to love. With that sense of hope, came extreme fear of more loss and hurt and that stayed with us a very long time...even after they were born. In fact, there are days I find myself wondering how long God will allow me to keep these girls on Earth with me. I don't know if I ever have truly let my guard down. On their first birthday I remember Jeff saying to me....well we've had them for a year, so now what's going to happen to them? Crazy thing about all that, is that I was thinking the very same thing. I think after any major change in your life whether is moving, marriage, having children or losing a child, there is a new normal. After losing a child, we struggled to what that new normal was suppose to be. For 7 months we had been parents to Gracie....and after her funeral, we had no idea who we were at that point. We didn't leave the house or talk to many people because we didn't know how we were suppose to be. Of course we adapted over the months/years and I think these thoughts of "how much time do we have with our kids here on Earth" will just be in the front of our minds. We've had time with a child taken away from us once before...we have lost our ignorance and innocence in how life is suppose to progress. You are suppose to go first...not your kids. Well as with a lot of things in our lives....we are not the norm. So while I really dislike it when these thoughts cross my mind frequently, I believe they also allow me to be a better mom. Nothing is taken for granted. This is probably why I have a million pictures of my kids and why I post so often on facebook...everything they do fascinates us and is so exciting. We are grateful for getting to experience those milestones with Anna and Sarah, since we missed them with Gracie. There should be a 3 1/2 year old little girl running around the house terrorizing the cat and getting into things, but there's not...that reality is what we face daily. That reality is what has made us treasure so much of the past 2 years with Anna and Sarah. Two crazy but very love filled years......

3 Years later......

Three years......hmmmmm.....how can that possibly be? Why is the third year so difficult? All questions that most people don't have to think about (thankfully) except for a group of very tight knit friends that all faced their babies' third birthday's this year. These "sisters" of mine are a blessing along this bittersweet journey that God sent my husband and I on three years ago. Our babies all live together in heaven and one day we will see them again but for now, we have to finish our work here on earth. Every single one of my "sisters" have chosen their own way to honor their child...whether it be like my Everlasting Grace project of blankets and hats for the NICU, to foundations to help families that encounter similar situations, to making hats and so forth for parents of children that have been given a fatal diagnosis, to having runs in honor of their little ones to donate to the Duke University research program on anencephaly. All of us "sisters" have had little rainbow babies since our heartbreaking losses 3 years ago as well....we truly share every step in each other's lives.
   So why is this year so much more difficult for me....I can't exactly put my finger on it. It may be because I wonder so often what she would look like at this age after watching Anna and Sarah change so much since birth. I wonder a lot what she would be doing and what her personality would be like and so does her daddy. Jeff thinks she would be our brown eyed/brown haired little girl and that she would have my personality....it's his best guess. We obviously won't have a clue until we meet her in heaven one day. Sometimes I think a lot of my struggles this year come from the fact that I don't know how to show Anna and Sarah just how important and precious their sister's life is to us and just how much her presence impacted us all. Most days it's hard for me to wrap my mind around everything that happened over the past three years, so how do I have a child understand that? I know we can show them pictures and videos of her and her time we had with her on earth and do the obvious things.....but for some reason this year nothing seems......enough? I don't even know if those are the correct words to explain how I feel but it's the best I can come up with at the moment. Her birthday is coming up in a few short weeks and I want it to be filled with her family and memories and laughter....I know she would want it that way. This time of the year is always when my mind starts to wander back to those last few weeks I was pregnant and the turmoil that was going on in my head. At this point I was physically and emotionally tired of being pregnant but the immense guilt I felt over wanting to have her was overwhelming....as long as she stayed in me she was ok...once she was born, she was not. That was a horrible feeling I dealt with for a long time. After we lost Gracie, a part of us seemed to die with her. We knew we wanted a family and knew since we were older than the average couple we should start trying and we did. When we got pregnant with the girls, we were obviously excited but of course terrified! Once we found out there were two babies then the fear was even greater that something was going to happen. It was hard to enjoy the pregnancy as we waited for something to happen because surely we wouldn't be able to have not one but two healthy babies right?! As the weeks slipped by, I asked Gracie to keep her sisters safe and prayed that we would get to 24 weeks (as that is "viability" age)...then 30 weeks...then 32 weeks...and 34 weeks....as the weeks went by my mind told me that I better be ready for two babies, but my heart was cautious. I prepared because I knew I had to, but it was hard. I kept thinking...what is some fluke, weird thing happens and we don't end up with these babies....and there was ALL of this STUFF!!! Well 38 weeks came and Anna and Sarah arrived...healthy and full term. Two days later we went home. As we were waiting for our discharge information Jeff kept saying....they better hurry before they don't let us take them. Our minds still didn't believe they were ours....this lasted a long time! In fact, Jeff still says every now and then, "Can you believe they are ours?" Anna and Sarah were certainly hand picked by their sister in heaven and were sent here by her for a very specific reason....to help us live again. They have opened our hearts to that special kind of love we had only felt for their sister, Gracie. Gracie makes me a better mom in so many ways. Anyone that knows me, knows I am not the most patient person....well let me tell you, after losing our first born it changes you in ways you didn't even realize. I have more patience with Anna and Sarah (thank goodness!!!) than I ever would have had if it had not been for their sister. Despite the madness of the first 1 1/2 years of the girls' lives, I managed to take only about a zillion pictures of them and I am thankful for that because frankly...neither of us remember a lot of it! I feel the need to photograph them a lot (as my facebook friends all know!) and share them with our friends and family. I take time to be with them and play with them and frankly...just enjoy them. My house is a mess BUT I have my time with my girls and that is what I find important now. Jeff finds reasons to stop by the house on average 4-5 times a day when working outside and plays with the girls....the girls LIVE for these visits. The world literally stops in it's tracks when he walks through the door. It's all fun and games for those few minutes and the girls need and crave that time during this busy time of the year on the farm. Jeff used to leave in the morning and if I wanted to see him I had to track him down and I might have gotten a few minutes of his time. HA! His girls have made him realize that there are many more things important in the world besides work. Of course while he's gone I video and snap pics of the girls doing new and funny things so he doesn't miss anything. Our time with Gracie made us realize you never know when time is up with the ones you love. So we cherish our moments with our kids...reluctantly I will admit, even at 2am during this wonderful period in their lives where they are competing in who will cut the most teeth at one time (fun game I tell ya!). I realize that in the not too distant future I will be losing sleep at night for a whole different reason and frankly I will take teething over the impending teenage years that will probably cause the rest of their father's hair to fall out and mine to go completely white!
  So three years later, the ache in my heart is the same.....the hole left by Gracie leaving us at such an early age is still deep and raw.....the absence of a three year old in the house is ever so noticeable. A mother doesn't ever "get over" losing their child....you eventually learn to live with the pain by default....because frankly the world doesn't stop when yours does. Eventually we dust ourselves off and with the help of our little one's love from heaven we start to walk down life's path again. At some point you walk out of the "fog" you lived in since your baby's diagnosis, and you learn to live again. At first we are like a newborn calf and we are wobbly on our legs...scared to do things because we might fall down, but we keep going because we have to survive in this crazy world. In our case our Gracie gave us Anna and Sarah to help us learn to smile, laugh, and even trust again....trust that happiness is out there yet after having our lives turned upside down. For that we are ever so grateful to Gracie....we feel her presence with us daily and she gives us signs she is with us in our every day lives. That brings me strength in it's own....having our baby girl here to watch over us and be part of our family. Three years later the hurt is still there but Gracie managed to put a band aide over our "boo boo" and helped to make us better.

Life....it's precious at any age or stage....

It's been a while since I've written....life is crazy (putting it mildly) these days between the kids, harvest time, work, appointments and so on. I have been dwelling on the topic of life in my head for some time now and needing to write my thoughts down. Those of you that know me, know that I am strictly a pro-life person....and when I mean pro-life, it goes beyond the hot topic of abortion. The society we live in has become so calloused to life that it sickens me. Because a baby or an elderly person isn't considered "perfect" then they are disposable and are treated with complete disregard. I've worked in healthcare for nearly 20 years and have seen it before....an older person comes to ER with complaints and the complaints are disregarded because they are "old." Why would we spend money on a 90 year old? They have lived their life. What, do they expect to live forever or what? Oh yes....I have heard it all. Same goes for a baby that receives a diagnosis inuteral like our Gracie did and are deemed incompatible with life. We chose to carry our baby to term because how could we turn our back on a baby we had tried so hard for? She was ours....God sent her for a reason. Was it easy....no. Would have terminating her earlier in the pregnancy made it easier to deal with the loss of her??? No...in fact I think it would have been worse. How do you not play the "What if" game? Well when carrying her I met a whole community of "sisters" with babies that they had either given birth to or were carrying with the same diagnosis of anencephaly. The things people said to them were horrifying....they were told they were going to make their babies suffer by carrying them to term. They were asked, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" (in regards to carrying to term) I can tell you I have not met a single mom who regrets their decision to carry to term. Now I can tell you I have met moms that chose to terminate and they are the ones that live with regret and a lot of the time guilt. Why does society deem it acceptable to "dispose" of someone that is not considered "normal' or "perfect" by the standards of society? Why has it become so acceptable to "not care" about these people (of any age)? One mom I met from the east coast said that babies that received prenatal diagnoses of Down's Syndrome or a cleft lip/palate are aborted out there because they aren't "perfect." I was shocked.....maybe I live a sheltered life here in rural North Dakota and was completely horrified at what was going on elsewhere. This mom was the first patient her doc had that carried a baby to term with a diagnosis that made their child incompatible with life. That little girl changed that doctor's perception of "these babies" and changed a lot of other minds along the way as well....I believe that was her mission that God sent her on.
  Over the years as a nurse, I have worked in several positions in the rural health field. The hospital, the clinic and now in basic care. All of those positions had me in direct contact with the elderly. The elderly get overlooked in our "in a hurry" society. I feel if people would slow down and take a minute to "discover" this generation of folks, they would realize what they have been missing in their life. These folks are living and breathing history books. If you take a minute and think about everything they have seen in their life and how things have changed it is mind boggling! Just recently one of my residents who is in their mid 90's was hospitalized with a bowel obstruction. She laid in a bed for 7 days and had nothing to eat or drink by mouth (just IV fluids) and had a major abdominal surgery. Now....she was expected to be up and doing everything for herself after two days of physical therapy. Of course when she wasn't up to par, they wanted to send her to a nursing home. Well I fought my case with them and she did make it to the rehab unit. She has had a rollercoaster ride thus far and I pray she can come home to us soon. The medical staff saw her age and their actions spoke for their thoughts...she was disposable...send her to a nursing home. NOW....I pointed out to them that this gal as not your average 90 something year old lady and went on how she did all her own cares and was a feisty one. They were looking at demographics and not the patient...a common problem in our medical community.
  No matter what the person's age is...0-100+ their life has a value and God made that life for a very specific reason and when he decides it's their time then it is....it is not up to us to determine that. It's plain and simple....not rocket science by any means. Now of course people out there will argue with me and that's ok....we are all entitled to an opinion...doesn't mean that it's right. :)
  A story I read yesterday was very disturbing to me. An alarming increase in numbers for selective reduction in a pregnancy have been noted in twin pregnancies! People are choosing to kill one of their babies for convenience. The woman they interviewed for the story was 45 and had tried for YEARS to become pregnant and went through numerous fertility treatments to finally become pregnant....with twins. Well she had three school aged children and prided herself with being a "good mom" to them and felt that twins would inhibit her in keeping up this status. So at 34 WEEKS she chose to have the doctor kill one of her babies....for convenience sake! It floored me that someone that tried so hard to have a baby can just so callously could dispose of a perfectly healthy baby just so things would be hard for her? I had to quit reading at this point because it made me sick. I looked at my beautiful 18 month old twin girls and wondered how could I pick one of you to not have in our lives? At 34 weeks that baby was pretty much a full term and there would have been thousands of parents lined up to take that child and loved them. I cannot wrap my mind around her thought process. Is having twins a challenge...heck ya?! The first year was a blur..a sleepless blur. Any twin parent would admit to that, but at 18 months the girls are a lot of work but a LOT of fun. I honestly couldn't picture one or the other not being in our lives. It makes me very sad that this mother chose to end one of her babies lives so her life wouldn't be too inconvenienced.
   I thought long and hard about how I wanted to write this today and whether or not it came out "perfectly" or not I don't know....but it's my thoughts. I'm not known for keeping my opinions to myself so this is a topic that has been eating at me extra hard these past few days and I had to get it out there.
  If there is one lesson that Gracie taught me is that life is precious. Life is a gift. Life is not to be taken for granted. Love crosses all ages. Love is unconditional........

I survived.......

Well the twins made it to a year....I should rephrase that and say, Jeff and I made it through the first year! Every parent of multiples you talk to say the first year is the toughest and I would be no different. We have fond memories (all be it blurred memories) of them as cute newborns, but mostly the newborn-6 month stage was not a blissful time in motherhood as I had always envisioned....but hey, when you are single and don't have kids you know everything about raising kids right? HA! Every idea you every have for your children you may as well toss out the window because frankly they will make an idiot of you and your preconceived notions of what your children will be like. I have pretty much eaten every single word I every said when I talked about being a parent "in the future" and when I talk to others that seems to be the trend. Frankly, the sooner you figure out that you are not in charge the better off you are. The two little 6 and 7 pound chubby babies I brought home the hospital pretty much ran the show from the beginning....hey, they're newborns and they may be small but they are in charge. I thought I'd compose a list of things my children taught me and words they have made me eat just in the past year for this blog entry.....and try and have a sense of humor about it, because really you can either laugh or cry about it all. HA!


1. "My kids are never going to sleep in our bed." Well let's just say that got shot in the butt right from the beginning. You see, my kids couldn't be more different if they tried. Anna was smaller and wanted to eat more often and Sarah was bigger and went a little longer....BUT I was preached to about getting them on the same schedule and so I went with it. When Anna would wake, it was usually another hour til Sarah woke up so if I took her to bed with Jeff and I she would go right back to sleep.....and so did I. I was not blessed with those peaceful looking sleeping babies....my kids pretty much have a wrestling match in their cribs every night and when you go into their room you wonder how in the world they ended up in that position. They woke up a lot and Anna continues to be up a couple times a night and frankly at some point you do anything for more sleep and that means they park their little butts between you and your husband and it becomes a family bed. This has gotten a little better as Anna sleeps better in her crib so she seldom sleeps with us. Sarah usually doesn't join us for a snuggle until around 4:30-5am and mostly I think she just wants some Daddy time to herself.


2. "Why would people take their kids to daycare so they can clean house/do errands?" Why???? Because God blessed me with two little tornados that tear stuff apart faster than I can put it away. Did you know that their toys are so boring.....until mom straightens them up and puts them away. Then suddenly they must scream to the girls, "Play with me, hurry!!!" because I don't even get to the next area and they have it all pulled out again. Also trying to go to Bismarck with two babies is a complete joke as they either need to eat, sleep, run around to burn off some energy, or need a diaper change...really doesn't allow too much time for the 101 errands you need to run when you are in town. When I do hear babies crying because they are tired/hungry/over stimulated I am very relieved my girls are at the sitters and can eat and sleep and play whenever they want.


3. "I can't believe how those kids are acting (in public)" Now.....thankfully my girls have spared us thus far by embarrassing us in public/church, etc. but we know our time is coming. I guess when it does we will just take it all in stride like we do with every other new thing that has been thrown our way this past year with two babies. I have often asked God....Why did you give a first time (earthly) mom two completely opposite babies to try and figure out? Most people have a time with trying to figure one out, much less two. Now these two girls may be twins but really the only thing they share is a birthday. NOTHING else is the same with them....they just happen to be siblings born on the same day. Sarah is laid back and happy go lucky. Anna is high energy and can go from laughing to a full on temper tantrum in a matter of seconds. We love that they are different and wouldn't change it for a minute.


4. A very important lesson they have taught me is don't try to leave the house quickly. Inevitably someone will have pooped their pants after you have their coats and hats on and your arms full to walk out the door so you can start all over again. You wouldn't think that this would happen more than once or twice...but it does, and it happens many, many, many times. Or you have one all ready and you go to get the other one ready and the first one completely undresses themselves....because why not, right? You would swear your kids are being paid off by good old Lucifer some days.


5. Another lesson...."You can sleep when you are dead." My husband and I used to make fun of this saying....well it's true when you have two babies at once. Sleep is a thing of the past. If they aren't teething then they have a cold or they have some other problem. So sleeping at night is a thing of the past (at least for me).


6. A good lesson.....You shall never eat, go to the bathroom, or do anything alone again. Now...I have a cat and a dog, so going to the bathroom alone was never really in the cards but for the most part they kinda leave you alone. Now, when a toddler is in the bathroom with you it is a whole different story. They are in every draw that they can get into. They throw anything on the edge of the tub in the tub. They feel they need to sit on your lap....the list goes on and on and really the possibilities are endless when you get two of them in the bathroom with you.


7. "I'm watching what I want to watch on TV when they are young." Ahhhhh....no. Do you know who is king at our house...well it isn't Jeff or I....it is Mickey Mouse. He is my savior at getting anything done. Even after you could recite the episodes word for word and you really just want to punch that mouse in the face, you don't....you realize that you are nothing without the mouse. What a humbling moment in your life.


8. A good lesson to remember is that if you are going somewhere do NOT under any circumstances put the clothes that you want to wear on until you are literally ready to walk out the door. Dirty hands, snot noses, left over hidden food, or when they are little, spit up, will end up on your shirt for sure if you put it on any sooner than you have too.


9. Here's a good one....you want to go somewhere but you have to take two babies with you, so you think to yourself, "How bad do I really want to do this?" And then you find out that you really don't want to do whatever it was at all. To get two of them changed, dressed, coats and caps on, and strapped into seats along with a packed bag outweighs whatever it was you wanted to do so badly in a hurry. Now if the hubby is available to go along it's not so bad, but I'm a farmer's wife and from March to November we essentially give our husbands up to the farm. (not complaining, it's just how we lives) So you really just end up staying home a lot. This isn't all bad either as the kids easily entertain us for hours on end and those moments are way more precious than anything else.


10. I would say the most important lesson they have taught us is how much you can love one little person (times two!). Don't get me wrong....we love our Gracie immensely and it is a love unlike any other. Loving your baby in heaven is intense and heart wrenching at the same time. I didn't know what to expect when the girls arrived. After I let my guard down (over the fear of losing them) a bit. the love that came was so much it fills my heart til it wants to burst. I never tire of watching them and am in constant awe of what they come up with. Even a year later we still find ourselves looking at them and wondering, "Are they really ours to keep?"


I would say the past year has been an insane blur of memories and I quite thankful for all the pictures I took because sometimes I hardly remember those moments when I look at their pictures. I've told so many people that ask me about their first year, that I'm not sure how it went so fast given I have been awake for about 90% of the past year, but it has. It scares me a bit that they are growing so fast and that time slips by so quickly. I don't want them to grow so quickly but yet we look forward to all of their milestones to come yet. The past year has been difficult at times because as we watch the girls grow and start to do different things we can't help but think of everything we missed out on with Gracie. I sit and wonder what she would look like as a toddler and what would she be doing if she were here. It's emotionally very difficult because you wish she was here, but if she was you have to wonder, if the twins would be here then? What a tug on a mother's heart! I just keep telling myself that our girls are all where God meant for them to be, but still your heart tells you a whole other story. This past year has been filled with bittersweet memories of our precious Gracie and it's also been filled with lots of tears, smiles, giggles, kisses, and hugs with our Anna and Sarah. There have been many, many, many difficult days where I have cried with the kids because I was at my wits end and somehow here we are...13 1/2 months later and we made it. We all survived that first year together. No doubt that Gracie isn't helping from heaven and hasn't missed a step with our family this past year. I feel she helped me survive the past year and gave me the strength to go on when I felt I couldn't any longer. I am proud to say we made it.....I survived.........

35.....wow.

Soooooooo January 26th......it's my birthday....my 35th birthday. Wow....why in the world does 35 sound so much older than 34? As I was rocking one of my girls to sleep this evening, I was reflecting on what God has brought into and out of my life since I met my husband. I looked at our wedding picture and looked at that youthful innocence that is written all over our faces. I just stopped and stared at my face....how in the world can 4 years age a person so much. In our wedding picture there is a youthful glow to my face that somewhere along the way seems to have taken a back seat. When I look in the mirror now I see a face with a story. There are wrinkles that never used to be there....many more white hairs that have decided to show up....and yes...even scattered white eye brow hairs! AH! I guess life has a way of writing it's story upon your face...well at least my face. When I look into the mirror there are not those same care free eyes glancing back at me...there are eyes that have cried many, many tears....tears of sadness and tears of joy. My eyes seems to started to look like they have a really big story to tell....and they do. In our 4+ years of marriage we have had three daughters as most of you all know. Gracie was to precious for this earth and God decided to take her home with him. Jeff and I have to wait our life times to get to know her. We've cried many tears about having to lose her so quickly and the hurt is still there...we are just a little bit better at hiding it and living with it. There are days that trigger those fresh, heartache feelings...such as January 27th that is coming up...that was the day we found out we were pregnant with Gracie...it was the happiest day for us! We only had a few weeks of this ignorant bliss (as I refer to it) before our world started to crash down around us....our daughter had anencephaly. So as those milestone days start to pop up again on this fresh calendar year, one can try and prepare yourself as much as possible, but there really isn't a way to do that. It seems like the feelings are different each time...sometimes they hit hard and the next time they bring a smile to your face. Having and losing Gracie made us even more determined to have our earthly family. Along came the twins....Anna and Sarah. Wow...talk about life altering! Our house went from being completely quiet to complete and utter chaos! But what a beautiful chaos it is! Two precious girls that have stolen more hours of sleep than anyone could ever imagine! :) Two little girls that have made us worry more than we thought possible. Two little girls that have brought us more joy that we ever thought was possible. We both believe their sister, Gracie had a hand in there being two of them at once. They have taught us that we will never, ever forget their beautiful sister, but that we have to continue to live life. We have to continue to put our hearts on the line so we can experience the kind of joy that we have. These two little girls are little balls of fire and at 10 1/2 months old they keep us on our toes constantly. I'm not going to lie....I'm exhausted. I have spent more time in our rocker recliner than in bed since they joined our household but frankly I wouldn't change a thing. Are they the cause of the extra wrinkles and white hair (and bags under my eyes!)....I'm sure they have contributed as their sister did...they are part of that life story that is written on my face.
  In a few weeks I will be starting my annual tradition of speaking at the University of Mary to the junior nursing students about our daughter, Gracie's life. As a nurse it brings me a sense of purpose to pass along what she taught all of us...unconditional love. It's easy on the outside to say..."why would you carry a baby to term that's going to die. All they are going to do is hurt themselves." That is why her story is important...to discount those thoughts and feeling and bring recognition that every life has a purpose and lesson from God to teach us all if we stop and listen. We are never too old to learn new things.....not even at the ripe old age of 35! Every time I speak to the colleges I learn something new that is for sure. So as I start to mentally prepare myself to go back to one of the most beautifully painful times in my life, I will look in the mirror and let my eyes tell a wonderful story.

Life two years later.....

Today marks one of the most significant events in my life....the birth of my first born child. This is a day that typically changes you for life...most people's lives become a sleep deprived blur of changing diapers, feedings, burping and rocking a little one. Well our lives changed that day in a very big way but we came home to an empty house...this is the life of losing a child. While we should have been up all night with a baby, we were up all night unable to sleep as the thoughts of your baby that was suppose to come home with you and didn't run through your mind. Their birth and every second of their life runs through your brain constantly as you fear you are going to forget everything. When we should have been up feeding and changing our little one, we laid in bed listening to silence. Instead of planning their baptism we planned their funeral. Although it's been two years the hurt in our hearts in the same...we've just learned to live around those aching feelings. We were blessed with two little sisters for Gracie this past March and watching the girls grow and do things I think has made the ache in our hearts better and worse. The girls are a source of love and joy for us and they have made us laugh and smile  like we didn't know we could again. On the other hand as they go through each stage of growing I find myself feeling like I got jipped out things with Gracie. I constantly wonder what she would be like, what she would look like, and all the things she would be doing as a two year old. I am human when I say I feel jipped on missing out of all of these things and much more and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know she's where she has no pain and is in heaven...what a perfect place to be able to spend out eternity! Why as a mother would I wish her to be anywhere but there...because I am a mother with a hole in her heart. That hole hasn't shrunk in the past two years and it hasn't healed....it still hurts constantly. Now some may think, "Well she hasn't dealt with her daughter's death very well." I have dealt with it and have accepted it....but I'm still human. As humans we don't want to hurt....why would we? I want the same joy that most everyone else has...to see my little girl grow up before my eyes. Now of course then I think to myself...if Gracie had lived would the twins be here? That just adds a whole new dynamic to the circle of tangled feelings. That is why I took to the computer and my blog tonight....I had to do what brings me comfort and what I've done in the past. Put my thoughts and feelings out in words....it just seems to make more sense to me this way. There are no easy answers in the world of losing a child and I don't think there ever will be. It's a hurt unlike any other in the world. Today as we stood by Gracie's grave with balloons to release and to sing happy birthday to her, I kept looking at her name on the head stone and thinking to myself, "My baby is really in the ground." Even two years later the thought of her being gone is hard. As a mom you will go to great lengths to protect your child and I couldn't protect Gracie from her fate...all I could do was make sure she was loved and I did...and I continue to do so. I had to search and find a purpose to this insanity and I did....unconditional love. I actively pursued spreading Gracie's story and our experience in an area that is dear to me...nursing. This year was my second year talking at two university's and their junior nursing students. Some ask why I do it and to me it is part of healing my hurt. It soothes that ache in my heart a bit and that is why. Anyone that knows me, knows I HATE public speaking which I find ironic and know my little angel is behind all of this and probably getting a good kick out of me doing something that I am terrified to do. I do it for her....and her lasting legacy. It helps me make sense of what has all happened and find purpose in life again. I would like to expand on my talks and may look at contacting some other universities in the future. I feel there is a need to continue what I am doing. I will keep Gracie's memory fresh and keep her mission from God going as long as I'm able to. She may have been alive only 15 hours but was able to accomplish more in 15 hours than most do in an entire lifetime. I think healing from losing someone that special is something you work on for a lifetime as well. So two years later, I feel we are doing pretty good considering the rollercoaster ride we have been on. Lots of ups and downs and Gracie has been there every single step of the way. We want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for us over the past 2 plus years and who continue to remember our daughter and keep her memory alive. God bless.

Crazy, beautiful life......

Well I looked back to the last time I had posted and it was 4 1/2 weeks before our world was flipped upside down by two special little girls....Gracie's little sisters, Anna and Sarah. Now all those years I waited to have my own children I had heard how ONE baby made life so crazy...well let me tell you what happens when you have two babies....you basically run on a hamster wheel and I mean you run. Life literally became this chaos filled beautiful place in a matter of two minutes...7:52am and 7:53am on March 14th brought us our double rainbow babies. Now I have heard figuring out one baby is difficult and people want a owner's manual, so you can imagine how often I wish I had a book to tell me what they want and need. Anna and Sarah may be twins but they couldn't be more opposite individuals if they tried. Their personalities are definitely unique and belong to just them. We get asked if they are fraternal or identical and Dr. Witt told us the only way to know 100% is to do genetic testing because of how twins develop but we are pretty sure they are fraternal. They look and act differently and are essentially sisters that were just born at the same time. We try and treat them to their personality and like individuals even now when they are only 5 months old...I don't think we have ever referred to them as "the twins." Normally we say "the girls" when referring to both at the same time. I have done a lot of reading and a lot of times twins especially fraternal twins that get treated the same despite their differences and preferences and get referred to as the twins can grow up resenting being a twin. I can see where that would be easy to do but we have tried hard to see them for who they are and go with it. Anna is more of a cuddly baby that likes to take things in. She's very active and rolls over both ways already. She can be more "high maintenance" as some refer to her as, but over all a very sweet little girl. She is a mommy's girl and has been from day one. Sarah is my more laid back, smile at everyone, loud, and boisterous baby. Jeff can do all the rough and tumble stuff with her and she LOVES it. She is a daddy's girl and her face lights up the minute he walks in the room. They definitely have a very unique and special bond. I can see her on the tractor and combine with him in the very near future. When we were pregnant Jeff was nervous because he didn't know how to burp a baby or change a diaper and I reassured him that with two of them he would be catching on quickly and he did. The girls were born right at the beginning of the craziest time of the year on the farm so Jeff has had to help out with the girls as he is able to. He makes time in his day for them even though he has a zillion other things he wants to do. He loves his girls and when people make comments to him how "now you need a boy" he always shakes his head and says how his girls are enough if that is all we have. He talks of all the things he "needs" to teach them from driving stick shift, to driving tractors and combines and making hay, and working cattle and how to pull a calf and on and on and on. They are going to be learning it all around here. :)
  When we think back to how much our lives have changed in the past 2 1/2 years since we were pregnant with Gracie it is hard to wrap your brain around what we've all experienced. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings from initial joy to devastation about Gracie's defect to dealing with our grief and then joy and anxiety when we found out about the girls. The day Anna and Sarah were born, Gracie's presence was overwhelmingly felt in the hospital and has been since the day they were born. She is here and part of our lives and our family, just not in a tangible way. Since the girls were very small we found them staring up at our mantel where Gracie's big picture sits...I don't find that a coincidence by any means. We talk about Gracie to the girls and her pictures are up everywhere in the house including one in their nursery. She's their big sister and their guardian angel. We find ourselves wondering what kind of baby she would have been and what she would be like right now. We are about 2 months away from her 2nd birthday...hard to believe where we were at emotionally 2 years ago versus today. The hurt and the void in my heart is still there and will always be there but her memory brings a smile instead of tears most days. Of course on her 2nd birthday the memories and "what if's" will be ever present but I don't see how they can't be there. I have so many things I want to ask Gracie but we will have to wait until God joins us as a family in heaven someday. For now I still take notice in her signs that she's here....butterflies still hover around us and give me a glimpse of them out the kitchen window when I am stressed. Having the Anna and Sarah is a big blessing but even big blessings can be overwhelming. There are days (many days) I want to pull my hair out because they seem to like to sabotage each other's naps and it can end up being a never ending process. Each one has different needs of sleep. Anna is a cat napper and there are days I swear Sarah has sleeping sickness (HA!). So their naps times don't jive and they seem to know the exact moment their sister is just ready to fall into a good sleep and they feel it's appropriate to let out a huge scream that I swear is just for kicks. I love them dearly despite all the frustrations of figuring out two babies and how overwhelming they can be at times and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I know Gracie had a hand in this so I am trusting her. Not everything is with the girls is frustrating and overwhelming though...when you get them both going with the giggles there is no better sound. When they snuggle up in your arms and drift off to sleep there is nothing more satisfying as a mother or father. This is our new crazy, beautiful life.......

Tying up loose ends....

I think with life in general if there is something difficult to deal with we tend to procrastinate taking care of it....or even its just a tedious job in general. As our pregnancy advances with the twins I find myself in major "nesting mode" and trying to tie up loose ends that I have let go for too long. One tedious project I "neglected" for too long was filing photographs into albums. I  LOVE to take pictures....after developing them, I loose interest in the whole organizing them into albums type of thing. Sooooooo since I met my farmer almost 6 years ago life obviously got extremely busy so all the fabulous photos I have taken of the farm, our life together, our pets, and family functions have just been sitting in their envelopes from the companies I developed them from. You can only imagine the stacks and stacks and stacks of photos I dug out when I decided I better oraganize and file them before the babies come. I went through hundreds and hundreds of photos and organized them into years and the the time of year and so forth and filled up 9 photo albums with memories my husband and I had made together since we met. It was fun to go through them because you tend to forget about some of the times. We had a fabulous house warming party the February we moved into the family farm house and I had not looked at those photos in over two years. I forgot about how much fun we all had and all the people that came. Made me want to throw another party! Then I came across all of our wedding pictures we had been given by our good friends. It was so fun to go back to that happy and fun day.....it made us want to get married again too! So after several days of remembering all the good times we had, there was a packet of pictures I had stored in it's own seperate drawer....a place that was all tucked away. This large packet of pictures held the hundreds of beautiful photos of our precious daughter Gracie's birth and her 15 hours on earth, her funeral and her first birthday party we had. Now it isn't that we haven't dealt with her death, because we have.....but these photos were literally of almost every minute of her life...her beautiful life. So many milestones had been captured onto film...her yawns, smiles, feedings, visitors, and her death. I had to take myself back to every single minute of her day and there was a lot that happened that day. A lot of emotions that occurred in those 15 hours and the hours and days following her death. In an analogy that one of my medical field friends used...it's kind of like picking the scab off of a half healed wound and opening yourself back up to everything. Now all the extra pregnancy hormones did not help this process by any means. I would pick up those pictures and start to organize them and then put them down and walk away....this process was repeated many, many, many times until I had gone through everything. I had boughten a special album for her pictures that had butterflies on the cover of it....it's so beautiful and fitting for our little girl. I meticulously picked away at that stack of photos until every last one of them was labeled and organized in order. Tears were shed along the way and old emotions boiled to the surface and I was sure on many occasions I couldn't finish what I had started.....but I did. I put each photo into it's new album and as each photo found it's permanent home I could feel some healing of my heart taking place. When the album was complete, I sat and stared at it....I had done it.....I had done something I didn't think I could do. Something I had put off for 1 1/2 years because it was hard to deal with and there it sat in front of me.....done. I could feel myself putting a huge mental check mark beside this in my mind as finally being complete. I didn't realize it had been hanging in my mind in this way until I finished it. It is proudly displayed on our coffee table in our living room. I had made a mental promise to myself I would complete this project before the twins came. I want to have a picture album to show the girls their older sister. I want Gracie to be real to them. Gracie has her own area on the wall of photos and those will remain there as well to always remind the girls that their big sister is in heaven watching over them. When people ask us if the twins are our first children, our answer is alwasy the same.....no, they are our second and third and that their big sister is in heaven. Her existence will always be acknowledged at our house.
 I received two phone calls in January from the nursing instructors at University of Mary and at Sanford Nursing School asking me if I would return to do my talk on Gracie to their classes this year. I didn't hesitate to accept as Gracie's story has a lot to offer to these students. Her story impacted the students of last years classes greatly as I had many students come up and talk to me after my presentation. I actually had one fellow chase me our of the nursing building at UMary last year because he wanted to tell me how much he admired me for doing the talk to their class. As a mother and a nurse I feel like I would be letting a big lesson pass these students by if I did not do this lecture. I sat down today to review my power point presentation and Gracie's youtube video and once again my hormones did not help me very much. I broke down in tears once again and thought, "How am I suppose to find the strength to do this tomorrow?" I phoned my dear friend and coworker, Sarah for a pep talk and as always she finds the right words for me. I don't know if I will get through tomorrow without tears or not, but I am going and I am going to share Gracie's story. I know God wants me to continue to share her story and her message of unconditional love. To not share her story would be a disservice to not only the students, but also to God and my daughter. She was sent with a lesson and message and it is now up to me to continue to spread it. Having to dig deep and go back into the intense pain we felt those initial days after losing Gracie is difficult to say the least, but if we can help new nursing students understand how precious life it and how much their compassion can mean to their patients and their families then I know we are continuing God's message he sent through our daughter. The pain of losing a child doesn't "go away" or "get better" with time.....you tend to learn how to live it and not let it consume your life. You go from crying every time you think of them to smiling because of their beautiful memory. There are always bumps in the road along the way and you do come across days where you do need a good cry....the hole left in your heart is always there. Everyone deals with it in their own way, and all of us moms in the baby loss world have all figured out along the way, that no two people grieve the same way. Our childrend impacted many lives and how we choose to remember them and their messages are all unique and they are all impactful. Our children continue to give us strength, love, and support from heaven as we have learned to look for the signs from them in life. It's truly amazing what you notice when you take time to notice things that you know are not a coincidence...they are messages from our little loves. It's those moments that we all live for. So as the nesting mode at our house continues, we remember our first born and all she gave us. We take notice of her signs she sends us to help alleviate our worries about her two sisters that will be arriving in 4 1/2 weeks. And we notice the strength she give us as we continue to tie up loose ends along the way......

Blessings from above.....

It's been a while since I posted and I haven't posted yet on the newest blessings in our lives either so I thought it was about time! In July, Jeff and I found out we were expecting again! We were so excited we could hardly contain ourselves. Getting pregnant doesn't come as easily to us as it does to so many couples out there so we were so elated that God blessed us to become parents once again. We found out we were pregnant the day before Gracie's 9 month birthday. After the initial excitement wore off a bit, the anxiety of the entire situation began to set in. The beginning weeks seemed to drag on forever until we had our 10 week appt. Two days before our first appointment I began to experience some pain in my right lower quadrant of my stomach and after we did a quick rule out of appendix at work, the excessive worrying set in. Is my body getting ready to miscarry or is it a tubal pregnancy? A person's mind really begins to run! The night before our appt. the pain was really bad at midnight and I contemplated waking my husband up to go to the ER but something made me not go. I thought I will just wait til our appt. in the morning and we'll see what Dr. Witt thinks. Dr. Witt is the man that supported us and carried us through Gracie's pregnancy and delivery and we have complete trust in him....neither of us want to see any other doctor in regards to this pregnancy. We went in for our appt. and  Dr. Witt decided to do an US to rule out a tubal pregnancy or any other problem we could be having. We were both literally sick to our stomachs as we sat and waited for our US. When we went into the room Jeff sat in the chairs up against the wall....he had already prepared himself that things were going to be bad. The tech brought up the screen and said to us......"well you have two babies in your stomach." Jeff had the "shock and awe" expression upon his face for a moment and in one huge step was by the bedside with his eyes glued to the screen. We both stared at two babies in two sacks up on the screen....holy moly, who would have ever thought! As the tech focused in on both babies she said to the best of her ability she could see two complete skulls and these little babies were wiggling around on the screen right before our very eyes. When we were done and the tech handed us our pictures, my hands were shaking were so bad I could hardly take the pictures from her. We walked to the waiting room in complete disbelief....we had walked into that room believing our world was falling apart once again and the hopes of a family would once again be destroyed and we walked out with the knowledge that our family would be doubling in size! So the anxiety level was once again upped with the pregnancy being considered high risk just because there were two occupants instead of one. With the babies' older sister in heaven with God by her side we know our babies have the best of help to get here safely, but the mind is a powerful tool. No matter what you tell yourself, your mind is always playing out every scenario possible. Once you have a loved one leave you, you do get signs from them about certain situations if you pay attention. Gracie has sent us many signs along the way that are too significant to overlook. The day we found out we were pregnant we were sitting outside our house and we both looked up to the clouds at the exact same moment and carved out in the clouds was a perfect profile of our Gracie. It was not one of those cloud formations where you have to point out to the other person that there is the mouth, the nose and so forth....it was very clear and precise and we both saw it at the same exact moment. It was amazing! I told Jeff it was Gracie's way of telling us things were going to be ok and he agreed. Some time later after a long day, we were changing clothes to go to bed. Out of my pocket fell some loose change....when Jeff bent down to pick it up he stopped and told me to look at what fell on the floor. Laying together were two dimes and two pennies. Jeff had read somewhere about a year or so earlier that finding a penny and dime laying side by side is a sign of good luck.....now here laid two dimes and two pennies laying side by side. We couldn't over look that sign either. At. our 18 week appt. we had another US that we thought was just to relieve our anxiety about the babies a bit, but they did their full anatomy/morphology US. Everything looked good they told us. All their organs looked good, their heads looked good, their brain development looked good and their growth looked good. It was like someone took a 500# weight off my shoulders that I didn't even realize was on my shoulders. I felt like I could breath again! Each appt. they have assured us that things look good but once again the mind does take over and the worrying never stops. I feel like a lot of mom's who lost a baby in a previous pregnancy....that our innocense has been lost. We don't have that innocent phase of pregnancy where you feel nothing but complete and total excitement and joy. We feel those feelings but we also have a very high level of anxiety. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to be wrong. It is nice that we have each other to help us get through those times of doubt and when a particularly hard time comes along. Many of remember the exact minute of our previous pregnancies when our innocence was taken from us and those "landmark" moments in our other pregnancies are especially anxiety producing. So far we have made it through our big "landmark" moments and have arrived in one piece. My husband is a stoic man but we made a deal when we found out about Gracie's diagnosis that we would not with hold feelings from each other and to rely on one another to help us get through difficult patches and we have upheld that promise to this day. He is as nervous as I am and not a day goes by that I don't see the worry marks on his face when he watches me get ready for work and I leave his sight. When we are in each other's company, we feel the most peace....probably because we are the only two people that know exactly what we are feeling at that particular moment and most likely because we have been bonded in ways that cannot be explained. When one hears the expression that their husband is their rock...well Jeff is my rock and I am his rock. We lean on one another through the good and the bad. This pregnancy has been altogether different than my pregnancy with Gracie. My pregnancy with Gracie was physically very easy and I had very little discomfort....heck I was raking hay up until I was 42 weeks pregnant with her! This time around has been much different and mostly because of the extra hormones that come with the extra baby. I had "24 hour sickness" as I call it, because morning sickness doesn't quite cover what that was, for the first 4 1/2 months and shortly after that subsided I was measuring third trimester measurements and expereiencing a lot of back and pelvic discomfort. My pelvis is quite "loose" as they refer to it from all the extra relaxin hormone I have in my body so that has made working, sleeping, and doing every day things a bit more of a challenge. Yesterday we did our Christmas shopping which had taken it's toll on me physcially by the end of it all. When we went to bed last night I was obviously uncomfortable and beyond tired and Jeff knew that and he looked at me and said, "I know you are feeling miserable, but when we hold our babies this will all be worth it." Once again, a man of few words made a very impactful statement with just one sentence. Yes it will be worth it and I will go through any physical difficulty to keep these two babies cooking until it is safe for them to come out because that is our ultimate goal. We are currently 25 1/2 weeks pregnant with our two little girls, Anna Rose and Sarah Marie and we firmly believe God and Gracie will help get them through this pregnancy and things will work out. We have been doing all the things that we didn't get to do the first time around as parents.....put a nursery together, register for baby items, have baby showers being planned for us, buying things we want for our children such as clothes and so on. Sometimes we look at each other and think...."Are we really suppose to be doing these things?"....and then one of the twins (or both) will start up their kicking matches to remind us that this is very real indeed. As the Christmas season approaches us, we cannot help but reflect back to where we were emotionally last year and where we are at this year. It seems amazing how much things can change in a year. Our hearts still ache and yearn for our dear Gracie and they always will, but there is a sense of peace you come to with where things are at in your life. When we set our tree up we thought about the 14 month old little girl that we should be plucking away from the tree as she tries to take ornaments off the tree, but she isn't here. We wonder every single day about how she would look and how she would act if she were still here with us....and yes, it still brings tears to our eyes, but yet there is that sense of peace too. We see how having the twins upcoming arrival has given us hope in our future endeavor of having a family again. They have helped ignite our souls that were lost for a while after we lost our precious Gracie. You can bet that this Christmas that there are going to be lots of extra "thank you's" to God for our extra blessings from above from lots of different people in our family. Having and losing Gracie shaped Jeff into new people and will make us most likely very different in our parenting than if we wouldn't have had her. We know she has been along for every step of her sisters' upcoming arrival and will be there the day of their delivery as well to officially meet them. She will be a part of their lives, just as any other big sister would be, only in a very different way. Anna and Sarah will never have to wonder who their Guardian Angel is that is for sure. Their sister will be protective of them from the clouds up above and will continue to shower us with her blessings from above. God bless you all and have a very Merry Christmas.

One year later....

Saturday, October 20, 2012......It was the date of our first born, Gracie's first birthday. The day had birthday balloons, family, a birthday meal, and a birthday cake all included in it.....what was missing from our site.....our beloved birthday girl, Gracie. Some may think it's odd to have a birthday celebration for someone who isn't here on earth with us, but not when you are the parents to a precious little girl that holds tight to their heart strings. Gracie may not have been there in person, but all that was there knew her spirit was with us all day long. It may have been the sense of calmness and peace we felt when we first opened our eyes to a day that we had longed awaited for. Maybe it was the sense of happiness and the giggles from Gracie's "sister" Alex as we decorated her cake Saturday afternoon that let us know she was surrounding us. Maybe it was the fact that when we released balloons by her grave side that they drifted north towards our farm....like she was telling us to go home and celebrate and not dwell by her grave site as we did almost a year ago at her funeral. No matter where we looked and what we did that day, it was just as something....someone was holding you in a comforting embrace. People can believe what they want about death and what happens after the fact, but I truly believe our loved ones bring us comfort and peace from the other side....to help us get through every day. Jeff and I talked about all the details of that day......we looked at the clock in the living room and noted the times when they took me to the OR for my c-section, when she was born, and talked of her smiles, her yawns, her beautiful, alert eyes, her chubby arms and legs, her little ears and her long fingers and toes. We then talked about what the past year has brought us....all the ups and downs and twists and turns......and we wondered how in the world we are still even remotely sane. We have changed so much.....we have developed into new people...people that our old friends may have accepted or may be confused by...either way, we are who we are. We've had to struggle to figure out where we fit in this world when our worlds stopped and the rest of the world kept spinning at super sonic speeds. Somehow we did it.....we did it together. The death of a child forever changes your relationship with your spouse. We look at each other differently....with more love and respect then we could ever imagine. I always knew my husband was a strong and stoic man, but the levels of his strength are more amazing than any could imagine. When I think of his strong face when he carried his daughters casket to her final resting place, that picture is forever burned in my mind....a face that showed sorrow, grief, love and emense pride. This life changing event was the first time I had ever seen my husband cry....and he was able to cry with me. We grieved together and loved together and came out the other side together as a united and strong front. I have no doubt that Gracie saw us through all those very difficult days. She is talked about every day at our house. Her pictures hang prominently on our fridge, living room and bedroom walls. Jeff has a picture of her in his shop so she is never far from his mind or sight. I have pictures of her on my computer slide show at work and her pictures grace my walls at work as well. I don't grow tired of looking at them and they never get old to me. Every time I look at her pictures it takes me back to those hours and minutes that we spent with her....the most precious minutes of our lives. We won't ever get that time back, so we are so grateful for the pictures we have so we can remember everything about that day. As her first birthday grew closer and closer we couldn't help but think about all we had missed out on this last year...all those baby milestones that so many parents get to experience with their children. We are at peace with what life has brought us, but I feel it is only human to think of all the "what if's" there are.....what if Gracie would have lived...what would she look like....what would she be like....and so on. I think we will always think that way and I guess one day our questions will all be answered when we are reunited with our daughter on the other side. For now....we go about our days remembering our precious little girl. We celebrate her life and all the blessings she has brought us and all the blessings she will continue to bring us. Happy Birthday baby girl....Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Coming out of the dark.....

Well it has been a very very long time since I have blogged......right before Mother's Day was actually my last blog entry. It isn't because I haven't had a lot on my mind or I am grieving less or thinking of Gracie less...I think I honestly needed some time to work through the "grief fog" people in the baby loss world talk about. The business of the farm life and working through my thoughts and emotions definatly helped me come out of the fog so to speak. It was around month 9 that I finally felt like I was looking at life through clear lenses again. After a year and half of waking around in a "fog" I almost didn't recognize myself. It kind of like when a new calf stands up for the first time and they have wobbly legs. Some days my legs still wobble, but I feel like I am getting my feet back on the ground again. I feel like I do still have a purpose here on this Earth after many months of feeling like I didn't. I am still Gracie's mommy and I always will be. When I think of my little girl or look at her pictures or visit her grave, the tears do not immediatly spring to my eyes as they once did. But a smile tends to creep across my lips as I remember her first smile, her first yawn, her first bottle feeding, her first diaper change, her first bath, getting to hold her the first time, seeing the enormous smile that crossed my husbands face when he looked at his daughter, and the memories continue. I remember all the people that came to see her and were forever touched by this little girl when they locked eyes with her. I remember the impact of my speeches at the Universities in Bismarck and how they impacted the students. I received cards from them and an email from their instructors with many of the students comments. I remember the NICU nurses big smiles when I deliver the Everlasting Grace blankets to the unit and how my little girl's story continues to touch people. When people talk about Gracie and not avoid her in conversation it makes Jeff and I feel good that people remember her and that she did touch their lives....we especially love to hear how she changed a lot of people's lives. There are days that tear still find me but they are not as often.....it's not that I'm not still sad because I am. The loss of a child leaves a hole in your heart that is palpable. Something that will be there forever......but at some point you are able integrate that part of your life with mainstream life. Everyday life sure does not stop when you world has and in the beginning months you feel as if you are being swallowed up by the world. You feel lost.....like you don't know your identity anymore. In my case I almost feel like I had to create a new identity because I sure was not the same person I was before this whole process started. This new person is someone I am still getting to know, but I tend to like her. She's definatly matured and wisened up in life, but there are hints of the old Missy in there yet too. My sarcastic wit has returned along with my fiesty attitude....but I will saw there is a very large soft spot in the middle of all the toughness. When I look at a baby or hold my friend's babies, there is a spot in my heart that is very different than it used to be. Babies always melted my heart and have always been a natural with them, but there is a very different feeling there now. It's not really a feeling you can describe though or put into words. When I held my friend's little boy the other morning before I went to work and he gave me all his "hammy smiles" the pain that used to be there right after losing Gracie is now replaced by such a feeling of love. Everyone's children are their most precious gifts from God. They are what make them get out of bed in the morning and smile. I don't get to tangibly get to interact with our Gracie but things do happen that I know are not coincidences around here. I know her spirit is here with us....helping us try to return to life as we know it. Those moments we get with her in spirit, when we knowingly know she is amongst us are the most precious. They are what get us through the day. She has made things very clear to us in the past couple of months that she wants us happy and wants us to have joy in our lives. I don't think any child wants to see their parent unhappy whether they are in heaven or on Earth. She has made special efforts to maker her Mommy and Daddy happy again and are helping us come out of the dark.