35.....wow.

Soooooooo January 26th......it's my birthday....my 35th birthday. Wow....why in the world does 35 sound so much older than 34? As I was rocking one of my girls to sleep this evening, I was reflecting on what God has brought into and out of my life since I met my husband. I looked at our wedding picture and looked at that youthful innocence that is written all over our faces. I just stopped and stared at my face....how in the world can 4 years age a person so much. In our wedding picture there is a youthful glow to my face that somewhere along the way seems to have taken a back seat. When I look in the mirror now I see a face with a story. There are wrinkles that never used to be there....many more white hairs that have decided to show up....and yes...even scattered white eye brow hairs! AH! I guess life has a way of writing it's story upon your face...well at least my face. When I look into the mirror there are not those same care free eyes glancing back at me...there are eyes that have cried many, many tears....tears of sadness and tears of joy. My eyes seems to started to look like they have a really big story to tell....and they do. In our 4+ years of marriage we have had three daughters as most of you all know. Gracie was to precious for this earth and God decided to take her home with him. Jeff and I have to wait our life times to get to know her. We've cried many tears about having to lose her so quickly and the hurt is still there...we are just a little bit better at hiding it and living with it. There are days that trigger those fresh, heartache feelings...such as January 27th that is coming up...that was the day we found out we were pregnant with Gracie...it was the happiest day for us! We only had a few weeks of this ignorant bliss (as I refer to it) before our world started to crash down around us....our daughter had anencephaly. So as those milestone days start to pop up again on this fresh calendar year, one can try and prepare yourself as much as possible, but there really isn't a way to do that. It seems like the feelings are different each time...sometimes they hit hard and the next time they bring a smile to your face. Having and losing Gracie made us even more determined to have our earthly family. Along came the twins....Anna and Sarah. Wow...talk about life altering! Our house went from being completely quiet to complete and utter chaos! But what a beautiful chaos it is! Two precious girls that have stolen more hours of sleep than anyone could ever imagine! :) Two little girls that have made us worry more than we thought possible. Two little girls that have brought us more joy that we ever thought was possible. We both believe their sister, Gracie had a hand in there being two of them at once. They have taught us that we will never, ever forget their beautiful sister, but that we have to continue to live life. We have to continue to put our hearts on the line so we can experience the kind of joy that we have. These two little girls are little balls of fire and at 10 1/2 months old they keep us on our toes constantly. I'm not going to lie....I'm exhausted. I have spent more time in our rocker recliner than in bed since they joined our household but frankly I wouldn't change a thing. Are they the cause of the extra wrinkles and white hair (and bags under my eyes!)....I'm sure they have contributed as their sister did...they are part of that life story that is written on my face.
  In a few weeks I will be starting my annual tradition of speaking at the University of Mary to the junior nursing students about our daughter, Gracie's life. As a nurse it brings me a sense of purpose to pass along what she taught all of us...unconditional love. It's easy on the outside to say..."why would you carry a baby to term that's going to die. All they are going to do is hurt themselves." That is why her story is important...to discount those thoughts and feeling and bring recognition that every life has a purpose and lesson from God to teach us all if we stop and listen. We are never too old to learn new things.....not even at the ripe old age of 35! Every time I speak to the colleges I learn something new that is for sure. So as I start to mentally prepare myself to go back to one of the most beautifully painful times in my life, I will look in the mirror and let my eyes tell a wonderful story.

Life two years later.....

Today marks one of the most significant events in my life....the birth of my first born child. This is a day that typically changes you for life...most people's lives become a sleep deprived blur of changing diapers, feedings, burping and rocking a little one. Well our lives changed that day in a very big way but we came home to an empty house...this is the life of losing a child. While we should have been up all night with a baby, we were up all night unable to sleep as the thoughts of your baby that was suppose to come home with you and didn't run through your mind. Their birth and every second of their life runs through your brain constantly as you fear you are going to forget everything. When we should have been up feeding and changing our little one, we laid in bed listening to silence. Instead of planning their baptism we planned their funeral. Although it's been two years the hurt in our hearts in the same...we've just learned to live around those aching feelings. We were blessed with two little sisters for Gracie this past March and watching the girls grow and do things I think has made the ache in our hearts better and worse. The girls are a source of love and joy for us and they have made us laugh and smile  like we didn't know we could again. On the other hand as they go through each stage of growing I find myself feeling like I got jipped out things with Gracie. I constantly wonder what she would be like, what she would look like, and all the things she would be doing as a two year old. I am human when I say I feel jipped on missing out of all of these things and much more and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know she's where she has no pain and is in heaven...what a perfect place to be able to spend out eternity! Why as a mother would I wish her to be anywhere but there...because I am a mother with a hole in her heart. That hole hasn't shrunk in the past two years and it hasn't healed....it still hurts constantly. Now some may think, "Well she hasn't dealt with her daughter's death very well." I have dealt with it and have accepted it....but I'm still human. As humans we don't want to hurt....why would we? I want the same joy that most everyone else has...to see my little girl grow up before my eyes. Now of course then I think to myself...if Gracie had lived would the twins be here? That just adds a whole new dynamic to the circle of tangled feelings. That is why I took to the computer and my blog tonight....I had to do what brings me comfort and what I've done in the past. Put my thoughts and feelings out in words....it just seems to make more sense to me this way. There are no easy answers in the world of losing a child and I don't think there ever will be. It's a hurt unlike any other in the world. Today as we stood by Gracie's grave with balloons to release and to sing happy birthday to her, I kept looking at her name on the head stone and thinking to myself, "My baby is really in the ground." Even two years later the thought of her being gone is hard. As a mom you will go to great lengths to protect your child and I couldn't protect Gracie from her fate...all I could do was make sure she was loved and I did...and I continue to do so. I had to search and find a purpose to this insanity and I did....unconditional love. I actively pursued spreading Gracie's story and our experience in an area that is dear to me...nursing. This year was my second year talking at two university's and their junior nursing students. Some ask why I do it and to me it is part of healing my hurt. It soothes that ache in my heart a bit and that is why. Anyone that knows me, knows I HATE public speaking which I find ironic and know my little angel is behind all of this and probably getting a good kick out of me doing something that I am terrified to do. I do it for her....and her lasting legacy. It helps me make sense of what has all happened and find purpose in life again. I would like to expand on my talks and may look at contacting some other universities in the future. I feel there is a need to continue what I am doing. I will keep Gracie's memory fresh and keep her mission from God going as long as I'm able to. She may have been alive only 15 hours but was able to accomplish more in 15 hours than most do in an entire lifetime. I think healing from losing someone that special is something you work on for a lifetime as well. So two years later, I feel we are doing pretty good considering the rollercoaster ride we have been on. Lots of ups and downs and Gracie has been there every single step of the way. We want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for us over the past 2 plus years and who continue to remember our daughter and keep her memory alive. God bless.

Crazy, beautiful life......

Well I looked back to the last time I had posted and it was 4 1/2 weeks before our world was flipped upside down by two special little girls....Gracie's little sisters, Anna and Sarah. Now all those years I waited to have my own children I had heard how ONE baby made life so crazy...well let me tell you what happens when you have two babies....you basically run on a hamster wheel and I mean you run. Life literally became this chaos filled beautiful place in a matter of two minutes...7:52am and 7:53am on March 14th brought us our double rainbow babies. Now I have heard figuring out one baby is difficult and people want a owner's manual, so you can imagine how often I wish I had a book to tell me what they want and need. Anna and Sarah may be twins but they couldn't be more opposite individuals if they tried. Their personalities are definitely unique and belong to just them. We get asked if they are fraternal or identical and Dr. Witt told us the only way to know 100% is to do genetic testing because of how twins develop but we are pretty sure they are fraternal. They look and act differently and are essentially sisters that were just born at the same time. We try and treat them to their personality and like individuals even now when they are only 5 months old...I don't think we have ever referred to them as "the twins." Normally we say "the girls" when referring to both at the same time. I have done a lot of reading and a lot of times twins especially fraternal twins that get treated the same despite their differences and preferences and get referred to as the twins can grow up resenting being a twin. I can see where that would be easy to do but we have tried hard to see them for who they are and go with it. Anna is more of a cuddly baby that likes to take things in. She's very active and rolls over both ways already. She can be more "high maintenance" as some refer to her as, but over all a very sweet little girl. She is a mommy's girl and has been from day one. Sarah is my more laid back, smile at everyone, loud, and boisterous baby. Jeff can do all the rough and tumble stuff with her and she LOVES it. She is a daddy's girl and her face lights up the minute he walks in the room. They definitely have a very unique and special bond. I can see her on the tractor and combine with him in the very near future. When we were pregnant Jeff was nervous because he didn't know how to burp a baby or change a diaper and I reassured him that with two of them he would be catching on quickly and he did. The girls were born right at the beginning of the craziest time of the year on the farm so Jeff has had to help out with the girls as he is able to. He makes time in his day for them even though he has a zillion other things he wants to do. He loves his girls and when people make comments to him how "now you need a boy" he always shakes his head and says how his girls are enough if that is all we have. He talks of all the things he "needs" to teach them from driving stick shift, to driving tractors and combines and making hay, and working cattle and how to pull a calf and on and on and on. They are going to be learning it all around here. :)
  When we think back to how much our lives have changed in the past 2 1/2 years since we were pregnant with Gracie it is hard to wrap your brain around what we've all experienced. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings from initial joy to devastation about Gracie's defect to dealing with our grief and then joy and anxiety when we found out about the girls. The day Anna and Sarah were born, Gracie's presence was overwhelmingly felt in the hospital and has been since the day they were born. She is here and part of our lives and our family, just not in a tangible way. Since the girls were very small we found them staring up at our mantel where Gracie's big picture sits...I don't find that a coincidence by any means. We talk about Gracie to the girls and her pictures are up everywhere in the house including one in their nursery. She's their big sister and their guardian angel. We find ourselves wondering what kind of baby she would have been and what she would be like right now. We are about 2 months away from her 2nd birthday...hard to believe where we were at emotionally 2 years ago versus today. The hurt and the void in my heart is still there and will always be there but her memory brings a smile instead of tears most days. Of course on her 2nd birthday the memories and "what if's" will be ever present but I don't see how they can't be there. I have so many things I want to ask Gracie but we will have to wait until God joins us as a family in heaven someday. For now I still take notice in her signs that she's here....butterflies still hover around us and give me a glimpse of them out the kitchen window when I am stressed. Having the Anna and Sarah is a big blessing but even big blessings can be overwhelming. There are days (many days) I want to pull my hair out because they seem to like to sabotage each other's naps and it can end up being a never ending process. Each one has different needs of sleep. Anna is a cat napper and there are days I swear Sarah has sleeping sickness (HA!). So their naps times don't jive and they seem to know the exact moment their sister is just ready to fall into a good sleep and they feel it's appropriate to let out a huge scream that I swear is just for kicks. I love them dearly despite all the frustrations of figuring out two babies and how overwhelming they can be at times and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I know Gracie had a hand in this so I am trusting her. Not everything is with the girls is frustrating and overwhelming though...when you get them both going with the giggles there is no better sound. When they snuggle up in your arms and drift off to sleep there is nothing more satisfying as a mother or father. This is our new crazy, beautiful life.......

Tying up loose ends....

I think with life in general if there is something difficult to deal with we tend to procrastinate taking care of it....or even its just a tedious job in general. As our pregnancy advances with the twins I find myself in major "nesting mode" and trying to tie up loose ends that I have let go for too long. One tedious project I "neglected" for too long was filing photographs into albums. I  LOVE to take pictures....after developing them, I loose interest in the whole organizing them into albums type of thing. Sooooooo since I met my farmer almost 6 years ago life obviously got extremely busy so all the fabulous photos I have taken of the farm, our life together, our pets, and family functions have just been sitting in their envelopes from the companies I developed them from. You can only imagine the stacks and stacks and stacks of photos I dug out when I decided I better oraganize and file them before the babies come. I went through hundreds and hundreds of photos and organized them into years and the the time of year and so forth and filled up 9 photo albums with memories my husband and I had made together since we met. It was fun to go through them because you tend to forget about some of the times. We had a fabulous house warming party the February we moved into the family farm house and I had not looked at those photos in over two years. I forgot about how much fun we all had and all the people that came. Made me want to throw another party! Then I came across all of our wedding pictures we had been given by our good friends. It was so fun to go back to that happy and fun day.....it made us want to get married again too! So after several days of remembering all the good times we had, there was a packet of pictures I had stored in it's own seperate drawer....a place that was all tucked away. This large packet of pictures held the hundreds of beautiful photos of our precious daughter Gracie's birth and her 15 hours on earth, her funeral and her first birthday party we had. Now it isn't that we haven't dealt with her death, because we have.....but these photos were literally of almost every minute of her life...her beautiful life. So many milestones had been captured onto film...her yawns, smiles, feedings, visitors, and her death. I had to take myself back to every single minute of her day and there was a lot that happened that day. A lot of emotions that occurred in those 15 hours and the hours and days following her death. In an analogy that one of my medical field friends used...it's kind of like picking the scab off of a half healed wound and opening yourself back up to everything. Now all the extra pregnancy hormones did not help this process by any means. I would pick up those pictures and start to organize them and then put them down and walk away....this process was repeated many, many, many times until I had gone through everything. I had boughten a special album for her pictures that had butterflies on the cover of it....it's so beautiful and fitting for our little girl. I meticulously picked away at that stack of photos until every last one of them was labeled and organized in order. Tears were shed along the way and old emotions boiled to the surface and I was sure on many occasions I couldn't finish what I had started.....but I did. I put each photo into it's new album and as each photo found it's permanent home I could feel some healing of my heart taking place. When the album was complete, I sat and stared at it....I had done it.....I had done something I didn't think I could do. Something I had put off for 1 1/2 years because it was hard to deal with and there it sat in front of me.....done. I could feel myself putting a huge mental check mark beside this in my mind as finally being complete. I didn't realize it had been hanging in my mind in this way until I finished it. It is proudly displayed on our coffee table in our living room. I had made a mental promise to myself I would complete this project before the twins came. I want to have a picture album to show the girls their older sister. I want Gracie to be real to them. Gracie has her own area on the wall of photos and those will remain there as well to always remind the girls that their big sister is in heaven watching over them. When people ask us if the twins are our first children, our answer is alwasy the same.....no, they are our second and third and that their big sister is in heaven. Her existence will always be acknowledged at our house.
 I received two phone calls in January from the nursing instructors at University of Mary and at Sanford Nursing School asking me if I would return to do my talk on Gracie to their classes this year. I didn't hesitate to accept as Gracie's story has a lot to offer to these students. Her story impacted the students of last years classes greatly as I had many students come up and talk to me after my presentation. I actually had one fellow chase me our of the nursing building at UMary last year because he wanted to tell me how much he admired me for doing the talk to their class. As a mother and a nurse I feel like I would be letting a big lesson pass these students by if I did not do this lecture. I sat down today to review my power point presentation and Gracie's youtube video and once again my hormones did not help me very much. I broke down in tears once again and thought, "How am I suppose to find the strength to do this tomorrow?" I phoned my dear friend and coworker, Sarah for a pep talk and as always she finds the right words for me. I don't know if I will get through tomorrow without tears or not, but I am going and I am going to share Gracie's story. I know God wants me to continue to share her story and her message of unconditional love. To not share her story would be a disservice to not only the students, but also to God and my daughter. She was sent with a lesson and message and it is now up to me to continue to spread it. Having to dig deep and go back into the intense pain we felt those initial days after losing Gracie is difficult to say the least, but if we can help new nursing students understand how precious life it and how much their compassion can mean to their patients and their families then I know we are continuing God's message he sent through our daughter. The pain of losing a child doesn't "go away" or "get better" with time.....you tend to learn how to live it and not let it consume your life. You go from crying every time you think of them to smiling because of their beautiful memory. There are always bumps in the road along the way and you do come across days where you do need a good cry....the hole left in your heart is always there. Everyone deals with it in their own way, and all of us moms in the baby loss world have all figured out along the way, that no two people grieve the same way. Our childrend impacted many lives and how we choose to remember them and their messages are all unique and they are all impactful. Our children continue to give us strength, love, and support from heaven as we have learned to look for the signs from them in life. It's truly amazing what you notice when you take time to notice things that you know are not a coincidence...they are messages from our little loves. It's those moments that we all live for. So as the nesting mode at our house continues, we remember our first born and all she gave us. We take notice of her signs she sends us to help alleviate our worries about her two sisters that will be arriving in 4 1/2 weeks. And we notice the strength she give us as we continue to tie up loose ends along the way......

Blessings from above.....

It's been a while since I posted and I haven't posted yet on the newest blessings in our lives either so I thought it was about time! In July, Jeff and I found out we were expecting again! We were so excited we could hardly contain ourselves. Getting pregnant doesn't come as easily to us as it does to so many couples out there so we were so elated that God blessed us to become parents once again. We found out we were pregnant the day before Gracie's 9 month birthday. After the initial excitement wore off a bit, the anxiety of the entire situation began to set in. The beginning weeks seemed to drag on forever until we had our 10 week appt. Two days before our first appointment I began to experience some pain in my right lower quadrant of my stomach and after we did a quick rule out of appendix at work, the excessive worrying set in. Is my body getting ready to miscarry or is it a tubal pregnancy? A person's mind really begins to run! The night before our appt. the pain was really bad at midnight and I contemplated waking my husband up to go to the ER but something made me not go. I thought I will just wait til our appt. in the morning and we'll see what Dr. Witt thinks. Dr. Witt is the man that supported us and carried us through Gracie's pregnancy and delivery and we have complete trust in him....neither of us want to see any other doctor in regards to this pregnancy. We went in for our appt. and  Dr. Witt decided to do an US to rule out a tubal pregnancy or any other problem we could be having. We were both literally sick to our stomachs as we sat and waited for our US. When we went into the room Jeff sat in the chairs up against the wall....he had already prepared himself that things were going to be bad. The tech brought up the screen and said to us......"well you have two babies in your stomach." Jeff had the "shock and awe" expression upon his face for a moment and in one huge step was by the bedside with his eyes glued to the screen. We both stared at two babies in two sacks up on the screen....holy moly, who would have ever thought! As the tech focused in on both babies she said to the best of her ability she could see two complete skulls and these little babies were wiggling around on the screen right before our very eyes. When we were done and the tech handed us our pictures, my hands were shaking were so bad I could hardly take the pictures from her. We walked to the waiting room in complete disbelief....we had walked into that room believing our world was falling apart once again and the hopes of a family would once again be destroyed and we walked out with the knowledge that our family would be doubling in size! So the anxiety level was once again upped with the pregnancy being considered high risk just because there were two occupants instead of one. With the babies' older sister in heaven with God by her side we know our babies have the best of help to get here safely, but the mind is a powerful tool. No matter what you tell yourself, your mind is always playing out every scenario possible. Once you have a loved one leave you, you do get signs from them about certain situations if you pay attention. Gracie has sent us many signs along the way that are too significant to overlook. The day we found out we were pregnant we were sitting outside our house and we both looked up to the clouds at the exact same moment and carved out in the clouds was a perfect profile of our Gracie. It was not one of those cloud formations where you have to point out to the other person that there is the mouth, the nose and so forth....it was very clear and precise and we both saw it at the same exact moment. It was amazing! I told Jeff it was Gracie's way of telling us things were going to be ok and he agreed. Some time later after a long day, we were changing clothes to go to bed. Out of my pocket fell some loose change....when Jeff bent down to pick it up he stopped and told me to look at what fell on the floor. Laying together were two dimes and two pennies. Jeff had read somewhere about a year or so earlier that finding a penny and dime laying side by side is a sign of good luck.....now here laid two dimes and two pennies laying side by side. We couldn't over look that sign either. At. our 18 week appt. we had another US that we thought was just to relieve our anxiety about the babies a bit, but they did their full anatomy/morphology US. Everything looked good they told us. All their organs looked good, their heads looked good, their brain development looked good and their growth looked good. It was like someone took a 500# weight off my shoulders that I didn't even realize was on my shoulders. I felt like I could breath again! Each appt. they have assured us that things look good but once again the mind does take over and the worrying never stops. I feel like a lot of mom's who lost a baby in a previous pregnancy....that our innocense has been lost. We don't have that innocent phase of pregnancy where you feel nothing but complete and total excitement and joy. We feel those feelings but we also have a very high level of anxiety. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to be wrong. It is nice that we have each other to help us get through those times of doubt and when a particularly hard time comes along. Many of remember the exact minute of our previous pregnancies when our innocence was taken from us and those "landmark" moments in our other pregnancies are especially anxiety producing. So far we have made it through our big "landmark" moments and have arrived in one piece. My husband is a stoic man but we made a deal when we found out about Gracie's diagnosis that we would not with hold feelings from each other and to rely on one another to help us get through difficult patches and we have upheld that promise to this day. He is as nervous as I am and not a day goes by that I don't see the worry marks on his face when he watches me get ready for work and I leave his sight. When we are in each other's company, we feel the most peace....probably because we are the only two people that know exactly what we are feeling at that particular moment and most likely because we have been bonded in ways that cannot be explained. When one hears the expression that their husband is their rock...well Jeff is my rock and I am his rock. We lean on one another through the good and the bad. This pregnancy has been altogether different than my pregnancy with Gracie. My pregnancy with Gracie was physically very easy and I had very little discomfort....heck I was raking hay up until I was 42 weeks pregnant with her! This time around has been much different and mostly because of the extra hormones that come with the extra baby. I had "24 hour sickness" as I call it, because morning sickness doesn't quite cover what that was, for the first 4 1/2 months and shortly after that subsided I was measuring third trimester measurements and expereiencing a lot of back and pelvic discomfort. My pelvis is quite "loose" as they refer to it from all the extra relaxin hormone I have in my body so that has made working, sleeping, and doing every day things a bit more of a challenge. Yesterday we did our Christmas shopping which had taken it's toll on me physcially by the end of it all. When we went to bed last night I was obviously uncomfortable and beyond tired and Jeff knew that and he looked at me and said, "I know you are feeling miserable, but when we hold our babies this will all be worth it." Once again, a man of few words made a very impactful statement with just one sentence. Yes it will be worth it and I will go through any physical difficulty to keep these two babies cooking until it is safe for them to come out because that is our ultimate goal. We are currently 25 1/2 weeks pregnant with our two little girls, Anna Rose and Sarah Marie and we firmly believe God and Gracie will help get them through this pregnancy and things will work out. We have been doing all the things that we didn't get to do the first time around as parents.....put a nursery together, register for baby items, have baby showers being planned for us, buying things we want for our children such as clothes and so on. Sometimes we look at each other and think...."Are we really suppose to be doing these things?"....and then one of the twins (or both) will start up their kicking matches to remind us that this is very real indeed. As the Christmas season approaches us, we cannot help but reflect back to where we were emotionally last year and where we are at this year. It seems amazing how much things can change in a year. Our hearts still ache and yearn for our dear Gracie and they always will, but there is a sense of peace you come to with where things are at in your life. When we set our tree up we thought about the 14 month old little girl that we should be plucking away from the tree as she tries to take ornaments off the tree, but she isn't here. We wonder every single day about how she would look and how she would act if she were still here with us....and yes, it still brings tears to our eyes, but yet there is that sense of peace too. We see how having the twins upcoming arrival has given us hope in our future endeavor of having a family again. They have helped ignite our souls that were lost for a while after we lost our precious Gracie. You can bet that this Christmas that there are going to be lots of extra "thank you's" to God for our extra blessings from above from lots of different people in our family. Having and losing Gracie shaped Jeff into new people and will make us most likely very different in our parenting than if we wouldn't have had her. We know she has been along for every step of her sisters' upcoming arrival and will be there the day of their delivery as well to officially meet them. She will be a part of their lives, just as any other big sister would be, only in a very different way. Anna and Sarah will never have to wonder who their Guardian Angel is that is for sure. Their sister will be protective of them from the clouds up above and will continue to shower us with her blessings from above. God bless you all and have a very Merry Christmas.

One year later....

Saturday, October 20, 2012......It was the date of our first born, Gracie's first birthday. The day had birthday balloons, family, a birthday meal, and a birthday cake all included in it.....what was missing from our site.....our beloved birthday girl, Gracie. Some may think it's odd to have a birthday celebration for someone who isn't here on earth with us, but not when you are the parents to a precious little girl that holds tight to their heart strings. Gracie may not have been there in person, but all that was there knew her spirit was with us all day long. It may have been the sense of calmness and peace we felt when we first opened our eyes to a day that we had longed awaited for. Maybe it was the sense of happiness and the giggles from Gracie's "sister" Alex as we decorated her cake Saturday afternoon that let us know she was surrounding us. Maybe it was the fact that when we released balloons by her grave side that they drifted north towards our farm....like she was telling us to go home and celebrate and not dwell by her grave site as we did almost a year ago at her funeral. No matter where we looked and what we did that day, it was just as something....someone was holding you in a comforting embrace. People can believe what they want about death and what happens after the fact, but I truly believe our loved ones bring us comfort and peace from the other side....to help us get through every day. Jeff and I talked about all the details of that day......we looked at the clock in the living room and noted the times when they took me to the OR for my c-section, when she was born, and talked of her smiles, her yawns, her beautiful, alert eyes, her chubby arms and legs, her little ears and her long fingers and toes. We then talked about what the past year has brought us....all the ups and downs and twists and turns......and we wondered how in the world we are still even remotely sane. We have changed so much.....we have developed into new people...people that our old friends may have accepted or may be confused by...either way, we are who we are. We've had to struggle to figure out where we fit in this world when our worlds stopped and the rest of the world kept spinning at super sonic speeds. Somehow we did it.....we did it together. The death of a child forever changes your relationship with your spouse. We look at each other differently....with more love and respect then we could ever imagine. I always knew my husband was a strong and stoic man, but the levels of his strength are more amazing than any could imagine. When I think of his strong face when he carried his daughters casket to her final resting place, that picture is forever burned in my mind....a face that showed sorrow, grief, love and emense pride. This life changing event was the first time I had ever seen my husband cry....and he was able to cry with me. We grieved together and loved together and came out the other side together as a united and strong front. I have no doubt that Gracie saw us through all those very difficult days. She is talked about every day at our house. Her pictures hang prominently on our fridge, living room and bedroom walls. Jeff has a picture of her in his shop so she is never far from his mind or sight. I have pictures of her on my computer slide show at work and her pictures grace my walls at work as well. I don't grow tired of looking at them and they never get old to me. Every time I look at her pictures it takes me back to those hours and minutes that we spent with her....the most precious minutes of our lives. We won't ever get that time back, so we are so grateful for the pictures we have so we can remember everything about that day. As her first birthday grew closer and closer we couldn't help but think about all we had missed out on this last year...all those baby milestones that so many parents get to experience with their children. We are at peace with what life has brought us, but I feel it is only human to think of all the "what if's" there are.....what if Gracie would have lived...what would she look like....what would she be like....and so on. I think we will always think that way and I guess one day our questions will all be answered when we are reunited with our daughter on the other side. For now....we go about our days remembering our precious little girl. We celebrate her life and all the blessings she has brought us and all the blessings she will continue to bring us. Happy Birthday baby girl....Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Coming out of the dark.....

Well it has been a very very long time since I have blogged......right before Mother's Day was actually my last blog entry. It isn't because I haven't had a lot on my mind or I am grieving less or thinking of Gracie less...I think I honestly needed some time to work through the "grief fog" people in the baby loss world talk about. The business of the farm life and working through my thoughts and emotions definatly helped me come out of the fog so to speak. It was around month 9 that I finally felt like I was looking at life through clear lenses again. After a year and half of waking around in a "fog" I almost didn't recognize myself. It kind of like when a new calf stands up for the first time and they have wobbly legs. Some days my legs still wobble, but I feel like I am getting my feet back on the ground again. I feel like I do still have a purpose here on this Earth after many months of feeling like I didn't. I am still Gracie's mommy and I always will be. When I think of my little girl or look at her pictures or visit her grave, the tears do not immediatly spring to my eyes as they once did. But a smile tends to creep across my lips as I remember her first smile, her first yawn, her first bottle feeding, her first diaper change, her first bath, getting to hold her the first time, seeing the enormous smile that crossed my husbands face when he looked at his daughter, and the memories continue. I remember all the people that came to see her and were forever touched by this little girl when they locked eyes with her. I remember the impact of my speeches at the Universities in Bismarck and how they impacted the students. I received cards from them and an email from their instructors with many of the students comments. I remember the NICU nurses big smiles when I deliver the Everlasting Grace blankets to the unit and how my little girl's story continues to touch people. When people talk about Gracie and not avoid her in conversation it makes Jeff and I feel good that people remember her and that she did touch their lives....we especially love to hear how she changed a lot of people's lives. There are days that tear still find me but they are not as often.....it's not that I'm not still sad because I am. The loss of a child leaves a hole in your heart that is palpable. Something that will be there forever......but at some point you are able integrate that part of your life with mainstream life. Everyday life sure does not stop when you world has and in the beginning months you feel as if you are being swallowed up by the world. You feel lost.....like you don't know your identity anymore. In my case I almost feel like I had to create a new identity because I sure was not the same person I was before this whole process started. This new person is someone I am still getting to know, but I tend to like her. She's definatly matured and wisened up in life, but there are hints of the old Missy in there yet too. My sarcastic wit has returned along with my fiesty attitude....but I will saw there is a very large soft spot in the middle of all the toughness. When I look at a baby or hold my friend's babies, there is a spot in my heart that is very different than it used to be. Babies always melted my heart and have always been a natural with them, but there is a very different feeling there now. It's not really a feeling you can describe though or put into words. When I held my friend's little boy the other morning before I went to work and he gave me all his "hammy smiles" the pain that used to be there right after losing Gracie is now replaced by such a feeling of love. Everyone's children are their most precious gifts from God. They are what make them get out of bed in the morning and smile. I don't get to tangibly get to interact with our Gracie but things do happen that I know are not coincidences around here. I know her spirit is here with us....helping us try to return to life as we know it. Those moments we get with her in spirit, when we knowingly know she is amongst us are the most precious. They are what get us through the day. She has made things very clear to us in the past couple of months that she wants us happy and wants us to have joy in our lives. I don't think any child wants to see their parent unhappy whether they are in heaven or on Earth. She has made special efforts to maker her Mommy and Daddy happy again and are helping us come out of the dark.