Saturday, March 24, 2012
It's been quite a while since I blogged last.....I've been a little lost in life. The time period between Gracie's 4th month and 5th month birthdays was particularly rough for me....no one reason, just a bunch of little ones. The thoughts of what I am missing out on flooded me day in and day out and sleeping was more difficult than normal. I struggled to get out of bed every morning and go to work....I struggled to be part of society. What I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and stay there....the only problem is that when your world stops, the rest of the world doesn't. Most days you feel like you are barely keeping your head above water. Simple things like cleaning the house become so overwhelming that you have a panic attack when you start to think of everything that you have to do. The truth is...my brain doesn't work the way it used to. I used to be able to take in all kind of information and be able to filter it and deal with things....now when a bunch of things get thrown at me, I can't filter it and I get overwhelmed and start to panic about it. Even if it is something as simple as cleaning the house and I logically know it's not going to matter what I do first and how long it takes, my anxiety takes over. The fact that I know this is happening and can't stop it once again challenges my need of control in my life. I know I have to learn to develop coping mechanisms for this, but that is easier said than done. It's like trying to learn to live your life all over again. In the middle of trying to learn to live again.....I am missing my daughter....a lot. I can't help but look at other babies and think about everything I am missing with her. I feel like I've been robbed of so much. If she were still alive she would be cooing and smiling and learning all kinds of things. It never fails when Jeff and I go somewhere, there has to be a baby girl around the 5 month mark there. Seeing those babies triggers so many emotions and thoughts.....and tends to send me into a tailspin for a bit. I want my baby like any other mother does. I want to hold and cuddle her and feel her weight in my arms again. I want to sit and rock with her in the rocking chair. I don't want to go to the cemetary to see my daughter......but this is my new reality of life. It's not something a person gets "used to" over night or even over a series of months. Some may feel that I should be farther along with "dealing with things" and be doing better....well life doesn't quite work that way. How does someone "get used" to those feelings of loss....a loss that big? There are a lot of unanswered questions in life for me that I have to figure out yet. It's very easy for those on the other side to feel that Jeff and I should be feeling a certain way and that we should be moving on......but until you go through something like this, no one can understand what we are feeling(and I hope no one has to feel this pain as we don't wish this on anyone). Day by day we discover new bits and peices of who we have now become. Thankfully Jeff and I have each other to lean on in these hard times and us becoming closer has been a huge gift. We don't know what our future holds and where it is going to take us, but we know that we are going there together. This past week we hit the milestone of Gracie's 5 month birthday....our minds drifted a lot and we talked of our hopes and dreams that we will never have with our little girl. At the end of that emotionally draining day, we crawled into bed together and curled up together. Jeff knew I was having a difficult day so he did what he does best and made me laugh as we cuddled together before going to sleep for the night. While some people complain about their spouses, I thank God for my spouse. He is such a gift to me and I will be forever grateful for his love. Together we trudge forth in life and together we figure things out. We know that our love for each other has brought us through this all and without it, our coping would be much more difficult. When we got married we had a song, Take My Hand and little did we know how true this song would be in our life. Here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E_rVbkK5G8 So as with anything in life....we will stick together and get through the difficult times.