Friday, May 11, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is fast approaching and for most of my friends and family this is a happy day to spend celebrating their role as a mother.....well the role of a traditional mother. So what does a mother that is not in the traditional role do? Everywhere you go this coming Sunday, Mother's Day will be the theme and there will be lots of moms with their children everywhere your eyes look. While to most this is a normal bit of life, when you've lost a child this really throws you for a loop. While we are mothers in every essence of the word, our children are not here.....we have empty spots in our hearts where our children's memory dwell. It's been 6 1/2 months since our precious Gracie was here and touched us forever and was then gone to her heavenly home.......time does not heal all wounds as the saying goes. I feel as time passes my heart aches more and more for my little girl. My arms ache to cradle her and I long to kiss her so very much. I want to snuggle her in the rocking chair and pat her little butt as I rock her to sleep. While my head knows that she is with Jesus, my heart longs for her so very much. I feel selfish for wanting her here with me. I know she is happy where she is at and has no sufferings or pains....but I still want her here with me. I think of all the things I am missing with her....of those precious "firsts" that we should be getting to do with her. I know some days Jeff and I feel like this was all a dream. The other night we went to bed and Jeff crawled up behind me and said out of the blue....."Were you really pregnant and was Gracie really here or am I dreaming this all?" What do you say to your husband when he asks you that.....when you know his heart is hurting and this is his way of expressing it. Yes the past year did happen and while it is the most pain and hurt one can try to imagine going through, it was also a happy time too. The pain we feel as parents of a child in heaven is a difficult concept for most people to be able to comprehend so therefore it tends to make them uncomfortable. What we have gone through is by far not a normal thing, but it is our new normal. We talk about our daughter openly and freely and share our love and memories of her.....some people have a difficult time with this as it makes them uncomfortable. Death in general is a hard subject for most people to talk about, much less infant death. I feel society is much better about dealing with infant loss, but still has a ways to go. Jeff and I, along with many of the other parents of the infant loss community are working towards making infant loss more of an open subject in society. This post is not intended to make anyone feel badly about having their children or celebrating Mother's Day, but is to bring awareness that there are mother's out there that will be facing this day in a different way. These mother's are some of the most unbelievably wonderful women I have ever met. We have all supported each other through the good, bad and the ugly. When one of us has a bad day, we are all there to help pick each other up and to get through another day. I want to wish everyone a happy mother's day, but especially my fellow mom's of angel babies. I have heard the term often that being a mom is the hardest job you'll every do, but I will disagree with that and say that being a mom to an angel baby is the hardest job you will ever do.