I'm not exactly sure why year 4 is tough, but being I have two nephews that are the same age could be why....the fact that she should be in preschool may be why. I might just be selfish for a moment and say...why can't my baby girl be doing these things? I look at how much Gracie's 2 1/2 year old sisters know and the things they say and do and I can't help but wonder to myself...I wonder what Gracie would be like? What would she be learning? I'm only human....I'm only a mom.....I want my baby just like everyone else has. When you find those baby loss mommies that you really bond with....ones that you share your heart with, you cannot help but become close to them. It's hard to find someone that understands your frame of mind. For some...they were there for you during pregnancy and the funeral process but their lives move on and in a sense ours does to, but in a very weird way....a way that no one can describe. So I am very thankful for my baby loss mommas and their support and love. It's hard to be alone on this journey.
So people tell you....life goes on. Well yes it does....but not without a lot a big bumps in our roads. When certain events occur, milestones are achieved, it is hard for us to move on. People might think after so many years that it gets "easier." Well it doesn't get easier. Our minds our wired different than others. We think on a completely different wave length than others. Our minds always go to the worst possible scenario. Our girls are 2 1/2 and Jeff and I are still paranoid something is going to happen to them. You don't want to hover...but good grief it's hard to relax. All I can think to myself is how would you live with yourself if you were the cause of another loss of a child? It's real....it's a struggle. It a real struggle to enjoy your surviving children. I step back often to try and regain perspective daily so I don't smother them. Would I like to put them in a bubble and protect them? Heck ya! Is that fair or realistic to them......no. So the struggle is real....it is every day. We live on a active, working farm so the struggle for my husband is even more of an issue. He has nightmares of running the kids over with equipment. The other day he drove out of the yard in his pick up and he stopped half way down the drive way convinced he was dragging Sarah under the pickup since that girl has no fear of things. The struggle in our minds is so very real and up front, every single day. Do I hate the way our minds work....heck ya...makes it hard to enjoy our two girls....the reality is, this is how our brains work. We try....we really do try our hardest to be "normal." Our "normal" is so vastly different from everyone else's but we try. We talk about Gracie to Anna and Sarah daily. We have picture in their room. They know it's their sister in heaven's birthday tomorrow. They know we are going to have cupcakes and balloons to celebrate. They know their sister existed....and they will always know that as long as Jeff and I can breath.