Monday, October 19, 2015

4 years of "what if's"

So I had a little girl 4 year ago........   Some people think I should stop thinking about her....obsessing about her.....talking about her......BUT I will not. She was real! She was so very real...I have the memories and pictures to prove she existed! She was real.....some days I have to look at pictures to make sure it all happened. Logically I know she existed...but there are days I wonder..did this all really happen to me? This stuff happens to everyone else. This stuff isn't suppose to happen to ME! But is here I am trying to be a voice for my daughter and every other baby that joined our Lord sooner than our hearts wanted. People don't realize how big the baby loss community truly is, until you become part of it. I have sisters...real sisters that are bonded to me in ways that no other human being can be bonded to my soul...we share a loss that no one wants to talk about....our babies. Our goal in life is break the silence. Oct. 15th is National Baby Loss Rememberance Day. Ronald Reagan declared this a national holiday way back when...way back when I oblivious to life and all the "stuff" that can occur. I was young and innocent....oh, how I wish for those days back. Our daughter Gracie was born 3 days after our anniversary. When it fell that way on the calendar I thought...well our anniversary is going to be shot for the rest of our lives and it definitely does but a damper on things, but somehow we always make our day significant. Do I feel that Gracie's birthday is only 5 days from National Rememberance Day? Nope....this little girl carries a message....a very loud and clear message. A message I will talk about to my very last breath. Life matters! No matter how little or how long it with matters. God sent us Gracie as our first born for lots of reasons, but the first and foremost of these reasons is to show us and many others how precious life is. None of us are guaranteed a long life....we just know for this moment we are here and that is all we know. That's the thing....we all think we are going to be here until we grow old and gray....well I might look older than our wedding pictures from 6 years ago and I definitely am more gray, but that's not the picture we have in our heads. We all think we will be in our 80-90's if not older but we don't know that. Gracie was with us for 15 hours....15 hours that stand still in my mind. Some days I feel like I'm forgetting but then I stop and think to myself...I can recall everything about every single minute of her life. From the minute they showed me her from behind the blue C-section curtain to her last's all categorized in my brain. She was real.....she existed....she breathed....she had a heartbeat.....she was ours.
I'm not exactly sure why year 4 is tough, but being I have two nephews that are the same age could be why....the fact that she should be in preschool may be why. I might just be selfish for a moment and say...why can't my baby girl be doing these things? I look at how much Gracie's 2 1/2 year old sisters know and the things they say and do and I can't help but wonder to myself...I wonder what Gracie would be like? What would she be learning? I'm only human....I'm only a mom.....I want my baby just like everyone else has. When you find those baby loss mommies that you really bond with....ones that you share your heart with, you cannot help but become close to them. It's hard to find someone that understands your frame of mind. For some...they were there for you during pregnancy and the funeral process but their lives move on and in a sense ours does to, but in a very weird way....a way that no one can describe. So I am very thankful for my baby loss mommas and their support and love. It's hard to be alone on this journey.
So people tell goes on. Well yes it does....but not without a lot a big bumps in our roads. When certain events occur, milestones are achieved, it is hard for us to move on. People might think after so many years that it gets "easier." Well it doesn't get easier. Our minds our wired different than others. We think on a completely different wave length than others. Our minds always go to the worst possible scenario. Our girls are 2 1/2 and Jeff and I are still paranoid something is going to happen to them. You don't want to hover...but good grief it's hard to relax. All I can think to myself is how would you live with yourself if you were the cause of another loss of a child? It's's a struggle. It a real struggle to enjoy your surviving children. I step back often to try and regain perspective daily so I don't smother them. Would I like to put them in a bubble and protect them? Heck ya! Is that fair or realistic to So the struggle is is every day. We live on a active, working farm so the struggle for my husband is even more of an issue. He has nightmares of running the kids over with equipment. The other day he drove out of the yard in his pick up and he stopped half way down the drive way convinced he was dragging Sarah under the pickup since that girl has no fear of things. The struggle in our minds is so very real and up front, every single day. Do I hate the way our minds work....heck ya...makes it hard to enjoy our two girls....the reality is, this is how our brains work. We try....we really do try our hardest to be "normal." Our "normal" is so vastly different from everyone else's but we try. We talk about Gracie to Anna and Sarah daily. We have picture in their room. They know it's their sister in heaven's birthday tomorrow. They know we are going to have cupcakes and balloons to celebrate. They know their sister existed....and they will always know that as long as Jeff and I can breath.

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